Life :)

Lately life has been harder than normal.  I'm not sure why.  A friend told me "someone's working double time on you" in regards to satan tempting and pushing me and messing with my head.  Stuff like that.  I don't really know why he would be bothering me so much; I mean, it's not as if he hasn't already won some important battles.  Why keep going, you know?  I don't know.  I feel angry more and more often, I get so impatient I feel like I'm just going to explode straight out of my skin, and even though I've always been a pretty loud person (shocker to those who don't know me well :)  I'm loud like 24/7 now.  I can't control my voice, happy, angry, sad, tired; I'm always at full volume.  It's like I've lost all control of myself.

But instead of it feeling awful all the time, when I reflect on it, I get this weird feeling that it's all important for some greater purpose.  Ha!  How funny is that?!  My shortcomings are for somebody else's own good; that's an excuse if I've EVER heard one, right??  Oh man...

It's so weird that my life is so hectic right now.  Out of everyone I know I'm always the one moving slowly and taking their time, but suddenly it's like I don't even have time to ponder before acting, and that everything is instantly consequential. It used to take weeks or months for the outcomes of my actions to appear and now it's like the next day a big slap in the face comes! 

I feel like my foundation was rocked, and I've been falling, trying to keep my balance ever since.  I haven't had the quiet or the time to actually sit down and work through the mess that happened, and I'm expected to have all the answers and make all the right decisions RIGHT NOW.  I'm not going to have time to work through this until I can step back.  I can't step back when it's "all or nothing" kind of situations.  So, I'm a blank slate, couple of cracks and slowly etching out the truth.  :)

Good Kind of Struggle

Even though there are moments when you suddenly are so frustrated that you feel like falling to your knees and screaming at the top of your lungs, today was a good kind of struggle. 

"The hardest things to do in life are the ones that are for your own good."  --Rang so true for me today.  I bit my tongue, stood up for myself, wasn't afraid to ask difficult questions, and was able to cut the chord that was wrapping itself around my throat. 

I don't know why I have such a difficulty with change, but, damn it, I'm ready!  I feel like I can breathe again.  I was terrified, thinking, "Can I really do this?  Can I really cut those ties?  I know they bring sadness every time they're reexamined, but I just can't let them go."  Well, the first step was taken for me when I found a chord already cut from another direction.  That simplest of steps made every other seem possible; bearable.  And with my little moment of courage, I finally cut those strings that were draggin me down.

I really feel like I can breathe again, and like there are absolutely no reasons for me to be afraid any longer. 

I'm free.