The Loser... Or Not

    You know what I’ve come to realize?  Relationships affect every part of you.  They make you who you are.  I never knew that before.  Everything is a constant reminder, even yourself.  My eyes, my hair, my toes, my laugh, my voice; name it and there’ll be a meaning or a memory linked to it.  I made my relationship my whole world.  I stopped looking, stopped searching for things that I wanted, and only sought what would contribute to the ‘we’ I was in.  I thought of everything I had as something that could be made to care for ‘us’.  I spent my time living my life until I could see him again.  And it was such a mistake.  For starters, because I committed myself so fully to someone who I knew was never going to commit that way to me.  I felt if I could convince him, it would be worth it; a fight well worth fighting.  But it never is.  If there is ANY fight to convince someone to love you, walk away.  As hard and hellish as it is to cut it off when you’re just beginning to fight, think about how much it sucks when the severing point is infinitely closer to your heart. 

   

    The way my relationship ended was embarrassing.  Each time it ended, I was the ‘loser’.  First: I wasn’t ‘sparky’ enough.  Then:  it just wasn’t right, though everything was there (not the first time I’ve heard that one…).  And finally, I ended it.  I held the knife, marked the severing point, made the decision myself without thinking about the ‘we’.  And still, somehow, I felt like I’d lost.  And I think I finally figured out why.  I fought so hard to hold onto someone who had no desire to hold me in return, and I knew it the whole time.  I’d lied to myself from day one.  Initially I hadn’t wanted the relationship.  After the first date, I had decided that I didn’t want to go out with him again; not interested (something said ‘boy’ has no idea about!).  But everyone thought I was too quick to judge, and that I needed to give him another chance.  So I did.  I let the whole world convince me that I should be with him. But in the beginning I knew better.  It wasn’t until I saw the soul beneath the pretty blue eyes and shy demeanor that I decided for myself I wanted to stay.  But by then, the tables had turned and I was the one who was hooked.  I made mistake after mistake trying to find his flaws and ended up showing my own.  I don’t regret every moment.  But I do regret the first, after I said yes to the blind date and let my heart run away to someone who didn’t want it in the first place.

    Ok, deeeeeeeeeeep breath…. ah… :)  Better.  The point is, it’s all true but there’s so much more to it than all that.  I made mistakes, he made mistakes, and we made mistakes together.  We’ve both been altered.  The REAL defining moment is how you move on from here.  Until today, I’d been too embarrassed to show remorse for a relationship that I had ended and that had ended on SUCH a bad note.  But I am sad.  I do regret losing him.  He was my best friend, and has changed me more than any other person I know.  And even though I screwed up A LOT, it’s ok.  It’s not the end of the world, there’s more to life than the life we had, and we’re both going to get over it.  I’ve been to mortified by what happened and by my own actions to admit that until just now.

So.  In summation: don’t be an idiot when you fall for someone; make damn sure they’re as far in it as you are.  And….?  Never be afraid to fall in love, because no matter how much your heart breaks, you’ll always find something or someone else that makes you even happier.  <3

P.S.        Pearls of Knowledge Gained This Week:

1:  Never ( and I mean NEVER ) leave a child who’s potty-training alone in the bathroom for longer than is absolutely necessary.  Apparently the ‘innate’ aversion to touching/smearing poop isn’t so innate, and has to be taught.  (Thank you Kaylee, for that one :S)

2:  If you initially think someone might be a jerk/bitch, they probably are.

3:  Never talk bad about co-workers because it will inevitably come back and bite you in the ass (thankfully NOT personal experience.)

4:  Never scoff at someone else’s beliefs.  If you are hateful towards something or someone, it’s most likely because it scares the hell out of you, and your mind is too closed to see the value in it.

5:  If it’s unnecessary, don’t do it.  Only do what makes you happy and what will benefit your life, even if it’s a tough choice to make.

And…

6:  Sleep with the windows open as often as you can.  Hearing the sounds of life around you is a lot more peaceful than any electronic music contraption Bose will ever come up with.  <3

*sigh* (<--How do you type out the sound of a great big sigh?)

I'm having the hardest time right now. 

I'm excited to go home and spend time with my family, but I'm down that I won't be able to see my friends.  I'm ready to be out of school and away from here, but I'm sad that I might not come back.  I'm proud of FINALLY standing up for myself, but so HEARTBROKEN that it cost me my best friend.  I miss him, but I know nothing could fix it.  Not now, anyway.  I have so many important decisions to make, and I feel like I'm about to trip and fall.  I wonder how many others feel that way too? 

My whole life is sitting in my two suitcases and a storage unit across town--such a weird thought.  A really good friend helped me out today, and gave me news that I needed to hear.  I was emotionally more confused than ever, but angry enough to clear my head and see I made the right decision.  So many lessons to be learned.  I wish things were different, but stubborness keeps them from being so; on both sides. {:-[

I know that my life is ready for a change, and that that change is well on its way.  Part of me is ready for it, but a great big, disappointed part wishes things didn't have to change.  My last year here at school was amazing: incredible friends, supportive family, stable everything, gospel, great roommates; it was perfect.  But I hate change and try to avoid it when I can, so HF literally has to strip away everything and force me into the decision or I won't make it for myself.  So, here we go: let the stripping begin! (..wait-- that came out wrong :-? )  Anyway, here's where I'm standing at this moment:

Imagine you're riding in a reliable, beautiful car that fits almost perfectly, is nearly your dream car (though not quite), and has never let you down.  You're driving down a sunny meadow road with the windows rolled down, enjoying the warmth.  It looks like there's a fork up ahead, so you slow down.  As you get closer the car sputters more and more, and you realize the left fork is closed so you have to turn right. But, it's a scary mountain road and it doesn't look like your trusty car is going to be able to go on with you.  You decide to try it anyway; you don't want to leave the car behind.  As you start climbing, you beg the car to 'make it just a little further', and the tire blows.  You get out to fix the tire, but you have no spare.  You rest your hand on the hood, but the engine is overheated and it burns you.  You shout obscenities at the sky, kick the tire out of frustration and desperation, throw your hands in the air, and start trudging off, cursing the blasted car.  As you near the first bend, you stop to take one last look at the thing that brought you there.  You couldn't have gotten so far without it, and you know you're going to wish it was there to carry you when your feet can't take another step.  But just as you consider turning back to try one last time to fix your favorite helper, the brakes give out and it starts rolling away from you, fading from sight.  So.  You wipe away the tears, grit your teeth, add some moleskin to your hiking boots and head around the first bend.  You stop.  Jagged cliffs are on either side of your path.  There's nothing but thick bluish-gray fog in your view; you can't see anything except the next step in your path, barely an arm's length away.  You start forward and the sound of the gravel echoes off the cavernous walls; you're all alone on this one.  Take a deep breath, and.......

That's where I'm at.  Here goes nothing!  :]

p.s.  this one was really long; sorry!