Sucker Pride :D

LOL!!!  So I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this is going to think I'm hugely proud and arrogant, but I am having a great day!  I did have to give up my job that I love, which I'll miss, but it provides a way for absolutely everything to work out!!!  And THAT makes me grin like villain!  So remember a post from before where I was all "OMG, where is this foggy mountain path leading me?!"  Well!!  Here it is:

I'm going to go back to nannying for my two beautiful, adorable nieces, finish the summer happy with my family the way we all had planned it.  I'll have a car we couldn't have expected and freedom to do whatever I want.  I'm going to spend my weekends with my dad and enjoy the sun and all of Iowa, etc... And then when August rolls around, I'm going to kiss and hug everyone goodbye, pack my car Forrest with my stuff and head home to Utah where I'll be right between my hs friends in Magna, and my college friends in Logan!  I'm heading to Ogden to live my bestie Shanny and I get to help her plan her wedding and she's going to help me decorate my new room :D (She just doesn't know it yet! ;)  And I'm going to have a job and finish my credits and live life and be happy and it's going to be AMAZING!!!  <3 <3 <3  Ah~!  so...

I also heard this new song on Pandora (LOVE it!) called Warning Sign by Coldplay (here comes the pride :P) and I realized: You know what?!  I kick ASS.  I'm not some lameass bimbo or pathetic, whining ninny; I'm best friends with great people, can deal with just about any situation that comes my way, I'm always smiling and happy, and even though my 'conduct' isn't exactly 'worthy' I still handle myself with grace!  And when I heard this song... :D  I realized a certain someone is going to MOST DEFINITELY be feeling exactly the way this guy does in a little while (except for the "open arms" crap; cuz that ain't happ'nin')!

I also decided to come up with my own little 'fill-out' thingy just to share with anyone.  So here you go! :

Game of 5

Things I'm a sucker for :

Puppy dog brown eyes

Jaw lines

Soft tummies

Big hands

Great sense of humor

Things I appreciate :

Personality

Shyness

Silliness

Being playful

A belly laugh

Things I need :
Strength
Height (even if it's only 1/2" :)

Protectiveness

Honesty
Fun

Things I can't have :
Inconsiderate

Guarded

Harsh
Angry
Controlling

______________________________

Things I am :
Loving
Gentle
Honest

Playful

Goofy

Things I'm not (but am working on ;) :
Patient
Obedient
Humble
Outgoing
Angry

______________________

Crazy/Amazing Things I've done :

Free-fall from 160ft in the air in a harness

Flip off an SUV full of Poli gang-bangers
Chase someone away from keying my car while they were drunk and angry

Was the only person to see Kaylee's first steps

Things I'll do before I die :

Skydive

Run a marathon

See Greece and Italy

Learn another language fluently (and NOT Spanish)

Travel the world with the one I love whenever we want

Help?

This really cool girl I don't know very well is my facebook-friend.  She seems to know exactly how to say what I'm thinking in whatever she posts.  And as I was avoiding thinking any deeper about my issues (to avoid thought is to avoid being overwhelmed by the decisions I have to make), I saw this as her post:

I really like where I am right now, knowing that I'm that much closer to where I want to be-who I want to be.

I remember having days where I felt exactly like that; why can't I just have some sort of peace of mind so that I can understand exactly what I need to do?!?  When I asked her about it, she said

Honestly if a stranger were to look at my life and see where I've been and look at where I am, they'd think I'd lost my way but I feel more myself and more secure in who i am and the decisions I'm making then ever. I really feel like the co...nsequence of my decisions are now mine to deal with and I don't have to live up to what someone else wants of me because I know what I want for me, does that make any sense? Maybe i'm just nuts haha

Yes. That makes perfect sense.  I wish I had enough sense to think like that, but I can't seem to find any levelness or peacefulness to help me make my decisions.  And the real reason is that I'm just trying to make everybody happy.  I'm not deciding for myself 1: because I don't know what I really want/need and 2: it's easier to understand what they want than try figure out what I need.  I know what I want, but I can FEEL that this decision is going to change my WHOLE life, and the thing is I can't tell if one option is a temptation or the other, or if they're both mistakes and I just can't seem to see a 3rd heaven-sent option.  That's probably my problem: I'm kicking and screaming against the idea that I need HF/God right now.  It's mostly b/c I'm scared.  And probably too proud.  My hands start shaking evey time I even begin to think about it all.  It's going to affect more than just my life too.  Here's what I'm facing:

Option 1:  Stay here. Work at the tv station until I get fired or promoted (most likely promoted) and I could have some kind of corporate career without so much as a real degree to my name at 21. 

Option 2: Stay here, work through the summer, go to DMACC this fall for the last 3 credits for my degree.  Get a full/part-time job possibly working at an established graphic design firm (possible major) that is interested in hiring/interning me if I'm interested thanks to my mom's networking capabilities.  After I'm done @DMACC, I could go anywhere: Seattle <3, NY, doesn't matter; pick a school, get in, get my degree, do what I want, live my life however I want.  Sounds GREAT right??? Except that I miss my friends.  Which brings me to...

Option 3: Go back to Utah.  Live among the people I'm questioning, amidst the overwhelming majority of the faith I'm questioning, where I'll pretty much be on my own (a plus!), living with my best friend/favorite person in the whole world, but probably flaunting my wrecklessness in everyone's face (a minus).  But I'll be able to visit people in Logan, and finish my degree at USU, so I won't look like a complete fool on my transcripts, and I can go see my friends in SLC w/o having to LIVE in SLC.  I'll be able to go to class, have a job and feel like I have it all.  Also so GREAT right?!?!  Wrong.  B/c?  Here's why:

Biggest Con of them all:  Lisa, Johnny, Kaylee, Lilly, Rick, Lori, Rob, Ellie, new baby boy Prier, Alison, Andy, Jacky, Josie, Mark, Carmen, Richard, Hallie, Havyn, Jeff, Liz, Samson, Harper, Aunt Mary Carol, Uncle Jack, Aunt Carol and Uncle Roy are all here in Iowa, and they ALL want me to stay here and actually be a part of the family they've always been for me.  Every single one of them is waiting for the day when i finally realize Iowa is where I'm most loved and where I belong.  And I'll be able to help them most if I stay.  But will it help me most?

So. I'm literally standing here with ten people pulling on every appendage, each in a different direction, not knowing where I want to go and I'm running out of time.

Help?

Knowledge

Things I Know About Myself:
1.   I'm not witty or cool.
2.   I get scared really easily.
3.   Most of the time, I'm spacing out, thinking about other stuff even when I'm trying really hard to pay attention.
4.   I feel confident about my self worth when people are attacking me.
5.   I don't feel very confident when people aren't.
6.   I've only kissed one boy.
7.   Had my heart broken only once.
8.   Don't regret a second of it.
9.   I love my best friend Shannon and would pretty much follow her to the ends of the earth (though it would likely be the end of my relationship with my mother ;)
10. I feel immature.  Not like a 21 year old who should be getting married (like all my friends), but like I'm still 16 and pretending to be an adult.
11. I don't think my life is going to follow the normal paths laid out for most people.
12. I think by the time I'm old I will have lost touch with every single person I know right now.
13. My eyes are green, even though people always say they look brown.
14. I'm not interested in most men; I'd rather have them be my friends than have to worry about a relationship.
15. Every guy I'm interested in right now, I'm not REALLY interested in.
16. I complain a lot.
17. Most of the time I think my life is unfair.
18. I have it the easiest out of every single member of my family.
19. I miss having my own space and living with girls my own age.
20. I keep wondering if I should have gone on a mission, even though the idea is so utterly repulsive I purposely crossed a boundary just so I couldn't be forced into it.
21. I hate time. Time breaks your heart, makes you old, and takes away the things you love most.