Oh my...

Wow... where to begin?

I'm just going to spill it as things come to me... here goes :-z

So, I'm scared.  Terrified actually.  I want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction my heart seems to be leading me.  I feel Heavenly Father holding my hand and leading me away from everything I've always wanted.  It's a strange, terrifying yet comforting, completely unknown feeling.  I've always followed my parents wherever they led me.  If HF told my mom to move across the country, I'd start packing.  But now that He's talking directly to me, saying things like "Prepare yourself" and "I know you're scared, but it's for your own good", I'm digging my heels in just a little. 

Growth is the absolute most important thing in this life, besides love.  I thought I'd grown enough that the latter was well on its way, but it seems like I'm headed towards a path I never planned for.  There's still the small voice in the back of my mind saying, "You know, it could just be a test.  Like Abraham and the lamb?  There's still a chance you'll stay and that He just wants you to appreciate what you've got and work harder for what you want."  I honestly don't know what to think of that voice.  When it pipes up, I feel a sense of calm and peace, and security.  But then I remember, Noah really built the ark for a reason.  Yes, it was a test, and yes, he built it.  But yes, the floods did come, and Heavenly Father kept his word.  What am I going to do?  Those who have been members their whole lives say they felt like an investigator when they went to the MTC.  I've only been a member for 8 years, and was inactive for more than 6 of them.  I don't know anything close to as much as I need to in order to be well-informed and teaching.  What if I lead someone astray?  I've never been terribly atuned to the Spirit; I might say the wrong thing.  And yes, I've been told that doubt is the opposite of faith (by someone who overcame their fear and nervousness to become someone incredible), but I still doubt.  I've never, and will never, doubt the Lord.  But I heartily doubt myself.  I can't imagine being good enough to be a missionary.

Oh my goodness.  I want to cry just thinking about all the things I'll miss.  I would love to travel, and spend 18 months doing God's work.  But everyone dear to me will be married, having children, moving on with their lives, and I'm going to miss every part of it.  All my friends are finally coming home, and now I'm going to leave?  My best friend who's helped me through the biggest struggles in my life is getting married, and I desperately want to be there for her, and to share in her special day, but if I go, I'll  be letting her down and walking away from her love and generosity.  So many run-on sentences.... so many emotions, they can't be contained in grammar (ugh.. I've been far too involved in my English courses)  What if Kaylee and Lilly won't remember me?  I'll miss Kaylee's first day of school, and maybe Lilly's.  What about the amazing moments when they grow up from toddler to big-kid?  Even though I'm two or three states away, I'm still only a phone call or text message away.  If I leave, I can't talk to them except for two or three times over the phone, and an email once a week. 

Can I just say:  I have NO idea how you men ("guys" when you left) were able to walk away from the life you've known your whole lives for two years.  Because I have no idea if I'll be able to. 

Aside from the fear, I feel like I'll never be good enough if I don't go.  If I stay here, how will I progress?  If I go, I'll become the woman HF sees me becoming, and I'll be infinitely happier.  "Patient and obedient" is what the P. Blessing calls for: my two deepest struggles.  If only I had hindsight, or a guarantee that everything would be ok.... Oh, yeah. I already have the guarantee: Matthew 16:25

"For whoseover will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."

Time to be brave, and obedient, I guess, and patiently wait for the Lord's timing in my 'happily ever after'.  Think they'll notice my knees knocking in the big clunky shoes and little black nametag?

P.S.  I still haven't decided on whether I'm going or not, so there!  :]