I'm having the hardest time right now.
I'm excited to go home and spend time with my family, but I'm down that I won't be able to see my friends. I'm ready to be out of school and away from here, but I'm sad that I might not come back. I'm proud of FINALLY standing up for myself, but so HEARTBROKEN that it cost me my best friend. I miss him, but I know nothing could fix it. Not now, anyway. I have so many important decisions to make, and I feel like I'm about to trip and fall. I wonder how many others feel that way too?
My whole life is sitting in my two suitcases and a storage unit across town--such a weird thought. A really good friend helped me out today, and gave me news that I needed to hear. I was emotionally more confused than ever, but angry enough to clear my head and see I made the right decision. So many lessons to be learned. I wish things were different, but stubborness keeps them from being so; on both sides. {:-[
I know that my life is ready for a change, and that that change is well on its way. Part of me is ready for it, but a great big, disappointed part wishes things didn't have to change. My last year here at school was amazing: incredible friends, supportive family, stable everything, gospel, great roommates; it was perfect. But I hate change and try to avoid it when I can, so HF literally has to strip away everything and force me into the decision or I won't make it for myself. So, here we go: let the stripping begin! (..wait-- that came out wrong :-? ) Anyway, here's where I'm standing at this moment:
Imagine you're riding in a reliable, beautiful car that fits almost perfectly, is nearly your dream car (though not quite), and has never let you down. You're driving down a sunny meadow road with the windows rolled down, enjoying the warmth. It looks like there's a fork up ahead, so you slow down. As you get closer the car sputters more and more, and you realize the left fork is closed so you have to turn right. But, it's a scary mountain road and it doesn't look like your trusty car is going to be able to go on with you. You decide to try it anyway; you don't want to leave the car behind. As you start climbing, you beg the car to 'make it just a little further', and the tire blows. You get out to fix the tire, but you have no spare. You rest your hand on the hood, but the engine is overheated and it burns you. You shout obscenities at the sky, kick the tire out of frustration and desperation, throw your hands in the air, and start trudging off, cursing the blasted car. As you near the first bend, you stop to take one last look at the thing that brought you there. You couldn't have gotten so far without it, and you know you're going to wish it was there to carry you when your feet can't take another step. But just as you consider turning back to try one last time to fix your favorite helper, the brakes give out and it starts rolling away from you, fading from sight. So. You wipe away the tears, grit your teeth, add some moleskin to your hiking boots and head around the first bend. You stop. Jagged cliffs are on either side of your path. There's nothing but thick bluish-gray fog in your view; you can't see anything except the next step in your path, barely an arm's length away. You start forward and the sound of the gravel echoes off the cavernous walls; you're all alone on this one. Take a deep breath, and.......
That's where I'm at. Here goes nothing! :]
p.s. this one was really long; sorry!
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