Who I Am, As I Am :)

Actual Journal entry from today:

Sunday, October 2, 2011

     Went to church with mom today.  It was really good; we both had epiphanies about a lot of personal choices we've been mking in our lives.  Mom's was... [leaving hers out b/c it's not my epiphany to share]...
     My epiphany was that I have not been true to myself; I'm not being honest with myself.  I'm hiding.  I try to be Shannon, I try to be Mom, Pollie, Brittney; I try to be hard core, badass, damaged, juvenile, mature, angry, ... everything but who I am.  I'm a sweet, kind girl with a tender heart who loves to help people.  That is who I am at my core.  I'm pretty and shy.  I'm not a slut, I'm not scandalous, I'm not skanky, stupid or a clubber.  I'm good.  I am a good girl.  As hard as it is to be a good girl in this world, that is who I am.  I have a slutty streak and have my skanky moments.  I make mistakes and I learn from them.  I'm a little bit narcissistic (like having an audience), I'm moody, spoiled, bratty, selfish, and impatient.  I'm not particularly witty or clever.  I can't tell a proper joke and, unless it's written out, I'm horrible at speaking.  I've been told the real me is something I should hide, and I have for most of my life.  But I have a good heart, I love in a way few are capable, I accept people as they are, and expect very little in return. 
     I don't like violence, I don't like anger or hatred.  I used to cry a lot; I don't really cry at all anymore; not sure why..  I know I'm beautiful, but I'm still too afraid to do anything with it or have the confidence that should go with it. 
    The thing I want most out of life is to be loved.  I want to take care of my husband and have a big house for our big family.  I want to be the safe place where everyone goes in tough times, on holidays, to find sanctuary and traditions.  And to find a good game of tackle football in the front yard :)  I want to find an intelligent man who can balance my weaknesses and love me for who i am.  I want to strenthen him and be the one person he can trust in this world; I want to take care of him.  I know I want a big family, but I also know I don't want kids for quite a while.
    I don't know where my life will take me, but I do know the only way to have a successful life is to be happy; to have a happy perspective or outlook on life.  You will never be fulfilled without great happiness.  You will never know great happiness without great sorrow.  Be grateful for every miraculous moment: good and bad.   ~

I know that's a really personal entry, but it was such an eye opening sermon today that I felt like I really had to share it with someone. 

I'm issuing myself a challenge:

I must be real in every situation; completely honest with myself and everyone around me, even when it means I look stupid or ignorant or like a bad person.  I'm going to stop lying and tell the absolute truth, no matter how many people it upsets.  I've been told "people pleasing is a hard habit to break, but it's better to start telling the truth in your 20's when people will listen to what you have to say than in your 40's when people won't like what they hear because it's never happened before." 

Anyway, it was a really great experience and I'm committed to telling the truth starting... now.

<3