About As Honest as it Gets: A New Phase

Today was an eye opening day. There were so many things that took me by surprise. First, I realized that even though the idea of returning to that previous relationship has never had any potential whatsoever, I really have not fully recovered from the issues that relationship held. Part of why I believe I've held on so long was because I wasn't ready to let go of the memories of the life we had. My family keeps wondering why I haven't taken the initiative to really get my life started here in Iowa, since I have no intentions of leaving until I get my Bachelor's degree from ISU. But the truth is, I had already started my life. As entirely dysfuntional as our relationship was, I "knew" we were meant to be together. We talked about family vacations we would take after we were married, he'd describe the children we would have like he had already met them. I believed that no matter how long it would take, he would realize I was the one and we would get married. I had built my life around a "we." I knew the path I would take and I knew I was going to be happy for eternity. Another reason why I think I never let go was because of how much I wanted to protect him from his mistake. I knew he had never done something like that before, and that (battered woman mentality-->) I had probably brought it on myself. I knew his "hot buttons" (I.e. when we weren't officially together, I wasn't allowed to act like we were, unless we were alone; don't be affectionate or tickle unless I was prepared to be bruised and marked by his "rough-housing") and I should have been more careful not to make him angry. Between 6 and 9, I lived with an extremely abusive step-father who was violent on a daily basis, and treated my mother worse than our dog. After living in that environment and seeing the strength my mother needed to get out there, I have two (only two) rules about what constitutes a divorce: 1- he hits me out of anger even once, 2- he cheats on me. (I don't include hitting my children because any mother knows that that would immediately constitute jail time/divorce.) Cole knew this from the beginning and promised to never cross my boundary. I knew that the most important thing to him was appearances and respect from others. After he crossed my boundary so fully, I still couldn't betray him and be honest about what happened. There were so many people I never told, who I knew would think differently of him. And I didn't want to be known as the girl who got smacked around. It's so humiliating admitting you gave all your power to someone who couldn't have cared less about you or your love. Well, today, I'm about to change that: the reason we broke up was because he slapped me. Very hard. Repeatedly. In front of his roommate. And then both of his parents told me it was my fault. And I was protecting him. I saw a picture of him holding his sister's newborn son and it brought back so much anger, hatred, jealousy, heartache, resentment. I thought "I should have been there", "That could have been our son by now", and it physically hurt to see him holding a tiny child so gently and tenderly, when my last memory of him was so far from that. And I realized that the pain of holding onto him a second longer was not worth all the memories combined that we shared. I know I learned so much from the year we were together, but it was only one year out of so many. I'm not going to allow it to define me anymore. I'm not going to respect his boundary because he attacked mine. That experience shaped me and molded me into a stronger woman; provided a way for me to finally become an adult. But it will not dictate me a second longer. Up until today, my internal identity from April 29, 2011, was "the girl who's flirting irritated her boyfriend so badly, he hit her. It's hard to say that. It's humiliating. It makes me feel pathetic. And even though I am FAR from blameless for why that relationship fell apart, it was not my choice or my fault that he hit me. I will not hide his shame for him anymore. He has now been removed from my life forever, and I can FINALLY say I am DONE! Aaaaaaaah! My other major revelation today was the beauty of my family. As flawed of human beings as we are, the beauty of our family broke through something stony in me today. When I was hurting and angry, my dad felt the difference, but also knows me well enough that he gave me the space I needed to work through it. I walked outside and found Johnny, who was so loving and understanding that I was able to sit in silence with him and cry. And then he gave me words of sympathy and comfort that I very much needed. After several hugs goodbye, I came home and curled up next to my mom, who I have been so blessed to be able to tell everything to, and feel her love all around me simply by lying next to her. All this beauty surrounds me and almost everyday it's taken for granted. But today, it was exactly what I needed for my heart to be strong, and set aside my pride and my stubbornness, and admit my sadness. Admit that I don't need him in my life ever again, whether he's famous in the world, famous in the LDS church, wealthy, whatever. I don't need to be connected to him any longer. And this is where my new phase begins: