Honestly if a stranger were to look at my life and see where I've been and look at where I am, they'd think I'd lost my way but I feel more myself and more secure in who i am and the decisions I'm making then ever. I really feel like the co...nsequence of my decisions are now mine to deal with and I don't have to live up to what someone else wants of me because I know what I want for me, does that make any sense? Maybe i'm just nuts haha
Yes. That makes perfect sense. I wish I had enough sense to think like that, but I can't seem to find any levelness or peacefulness to help me make my decisions. And the real reason is that I'm just trying to make everybody happy. I'm not deciding for myself 1: because I don't know what I really want/need and 2: it's easier to understand what they want than try figure out what I need. I know what I want, but I can FEEL that this decision is going to change my WHOLE life, and the thing is I can't tell if one option is a temptation or the other, or if they're both mistakes and I just can't seem to see a 3rd heaven-sent option. That's probably my problem: I'm kicking and screaming against the idea that I need HF/God right now. It's mostly b/c I'm scared. And probably too proud. My hands start shaking evey time I even begin to think about it all. It's going to affect more than just my life too. Here's what I'm facing:
Option 1: Stay here. Work at the tv station until I get fired or promoted (most likely promoted) and I could have some kind of corporate career without so much as a real degree to my name at 21.
Option 2: Stay here, work through the summer, go to DMACC this fall for the last 3 credits for my degree. Get a full/part-time job possibly working at an established graphic design firm (possible major) that is interested in hiring/interning me if I'm interested thanks to my mom's networking capabilities. After I'm done @DMACC, I could go anywhere: Seattle <3, NY, doesn't matter; pick a school, get in, get my degree, do what I want, live my life however I want. Sounds GREAT right??? Except that I miss my friends. Which brings me to...
Option 3: Go back to Utah. Live among the people I'm questioning, amidst the overwhelming majority of the faith I'm questioning, where I'll pretty much be on my own (a plus!), living with my best friend/favorite person in the whole world, but probably flaunting my wrecklessness in everyone's face (a minus). But I'll be able to visit people in Logan, and finish my degree at USU, so I won't look like a complete fool on my transcripts, and I can go see my friends in SLC w/o having to LIVE in SLC. I'll be able to go to class, have a job and feel like I have it all. Also so GREAT right?!?! Wrong. B/c? Here's why:
Biggest Con of them all: Lisa, Johnny, Kaylee, Lilly, Rick, Lori, Rob, Ellie, new baby boy Prier, Alison, Andy, Jacky, Josie, Mark, Carmen, Richard, Hallie, Havyn, Jeff, Liz, Samson, Harper, Aunt Mary Carol, Uncle Jack, Aunt Carol and Uncle Roy are all here in Iowa, and they ALL want me to stay here and actually be a part of the family they've always been for me. Every single one of them is waiting for the day when i finally realize Iowa is where I'm most loved and where I belong. And I'll be able to help them most if I stay. But will it help me most?
So. I'm literally standing here with ten people pulling on every appendage, each in a different direction, not knowing where I want to go and I'm running out of time.
Help?
I'm going to be a little brutal, is that okay? I'm sorry but it's because I love you that I think you need to hear this.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I don't like option 1. It sounds appealing and all professional wearing cute clothes to work, and possibly working your way up the corporate ladder. But instead it makes me feel nervous for your future. You always have to consider the option of "what if" what if you got that job, got married, worked your way up in the company, didn't go back to school and something happened. I REALLY feel like you need an education. You can't escape it. If you do it part time while you go to school-that's a different story. Life is almost requiring a masters degree for anything you do-you can't cut school.
Second, that option 2 and 3 would be amazing for you! It gives you time to be with your family, finish school and most importantly set up a solid foundation for your future. But here's the catcher Tiff, sometimes God really doesn't care which option you choose.
Because in whichever you choose, he'll still be there-leading you to where he wants you to go.
You're a thinker Tiffany. And to you thinkers this concept doesn't go over well. You think there's some life long lesson that you're going to be changing or manipulating if you don't choose that ABSOLUTE most correct decision. Rest assured that your family and your friends will always be there for you in which ever you choose. But this summer. Maybe just go have fun. Stop thinking. The reason that girl has so much peace of mind is because she just stopped. She accepted the situation and let things fall into place.
Just relax. Don't but so much pressure on making everyone happy because they're not the ones you're going to allow to dictate your life. My recommendation is to make a list of what you want from life. Your goals in the next year, in the next 3 years and then in the next 5, 10 etc. List personal things, career goals, financial, and everything in between. From there look at your options and decide which one will best fit those goals you most sincerely want. God will help you.
And ps I love you :)