Finding strength through the people you love and who guide you through life

Days like this are still hard for me to get used to, but with what I learned from the incredible people in my life last year, it just keeps getting easier to cope and remember that it's really not that bad; that Heavenly Father works with us through our struggles and trials.  For the people I tagged in this post: I just wanted you to read the bottom of the page.  The videos aren't important, just illustrating my emotions.  You know me: all emotion :-P

This is how my day started:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C8e7nNLZNs (sweet disposition, temper trap)

Got through the first part of the day and it became:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmjPrdTNxQ0 (the scientist, coldplay)

Went through a substance abuse lecture in my AbPsych class, and silently relived every hellish moment :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnykIpoPrrA (prayer, disturbed)

Reverted to the worst attitude possible:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg (i hate everything about you, three days grace)

Fought to catch my breath, not breakdown under memories, and let it go again:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDmnG9uTEfk (breathe in, breathe out,  mat kearney)

Am now fighting to keep a positive perspective:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTlw_ZV2fIU (forget and not slow down, relient k)


Thank you Mom, Dad, Brittney, Ricky, Kayli and your families, Wesley, and Pollie for helping me get through the hardest part of my life so far.  I know I would have had a much weaker character and let myself get lost in the mess and give up if it hadn't been for all of you.  Mom gave me a reason to be a good person, Dad gave me the motivation, Ricky & Kayli (& families) gave me the knowledge of how and the opportunity to do it, and Brittney, Wes, and Pollie: you were the safety and backbone I needed to stand up for/against life in general.  Thank you so much for being such an amazing support system.  I owe you ALL a lot.

Music

I just realized that my life's center is music.  I have this friend who's entire family is centered, separately from the Gospel, on boating and water sports.  They spend all their free time on their boat, they spend most of their family time in the water, and it brings them closer together.  It's what makes them happiest and feel the most fulfilled.  I was feeling like I'm out of balance, or something was missing.  I turned on "Sweet Disposition" by Temper Trap, and I couldn't sit still!  I instantly felt alive and happy and like I could scream at the top of my lungs because I was so relieved.  It was exactly what was missing.  Not a boy, not a dream, not a dollar amount, not a possession; a song.  I need it to be happy, and to be me.  It's what I create when I'm struggling or happy or sad or angry.  It's what I turn to when I need an outlet or a comfort or the words to define my emotions.  It helps me to know that someone else gets what I'm feeling, and they know the right words to help get me through it, good or bad.  I can literally sing for hours and never get sick of it.  Or lay on my floor with headphones in and happily not get up for an hour.  It's my passion and what makes my heart sing.  It cannot be tainted by the outside world.  It is the best thing, b/c it's constantly evolving, but never changes.  Once a song is written, it cannot be undone.  It is what it is.  Simplified.  You can change a song, or write another one, but you can never unwrite a song.  Once it's there, it will never go away.  And it's part of its creator.  Whether it's a 60 second ditty on the guitar teasing a friend about singing or a wordless melody that goes on for 5 minutes, it came from you. It's like a part of your soul, a glimpse into who you are as a spirit; no pretenses or falsehoods.  You can't lie in music.  You may make up words, but the music itself is what is truth beyond doubt.  The Gospel is amazing and important to me, and is the foundation.  But music,... I don't know.  Music is the walls and the floors.  It's the rest.  The building is filled with things like family and friends, and significant people in my life.  Those that change it and improve it. The memories made between us and the activities we do.  But everything else is music.  The windows, the walls and the floors. :)


P.s.  As I was rereading this, I realized it sounded a lot like how I feel about the Savior.  See if you have something that makes you happy like that :]

The Old Man

       I rode home on a shuttle last night, and was planning on spending the entire time sleeping since I wouldn't get home till late.  Fate kindly intervened. 
       I've never met anyone who spoke SO much. I had no idea that there were people with whom I could connect so well, while having so little in common.  He was in his 70s, married, a grandfather, a retired tradesman, and yet he shared my passion for literature and knowledge.  He spends his time listening to NPR (National Public Radio) with his wife, Susan, and reading as many classic pieces of literature and articles on 'general knowledge' as he can.  I had forgotten what it felt like to converse with someone.  Not just chat or talk about boys and school, or get together to complain about life.  We discussed things and mused and pondered.  It was the longest 2 hours of my life, but I know I'll never forget those amazing 2 hours. :)  I don't even know his name.  I remember he got cold easily, and wore a funny little yellow beanie. And that he had a soft white beard that looked like snow resting on his chin.  When he spoke, his voice wobbled and he raised his shoulders to his ears.
       One thing I'll NEVER be able to forget is his example of getting to know someone.  I used to think I was pretty good at getting to know people until last night.  In the middle of discussing "Bleak House" by Dickens and talking about the quality of life itself, he finishes his thought, takes a breath, asks a question, and stares, waiting for me to amaze him.  The question?  "What are your hopes?  What do you dream?"  :)  Wow.  What a magnificent question.  It felt so good to use intellectually rich language.  I don't think I said the word "like" more than once the entire time, and never out of literary context.  I'd forgotten that I had an expansive vocabulary beyond "Cool!" "Awesome.." and "No way?!". 
        I keep getting asked this same question:  "Why are you here at USU?  Why are you attending college?  What do you want to get out of this experience?"  I'd forgotten, and would recycle answers I'd heard before, thinking of the negative motivations pushing me through school: GPA, future career/salary, stability, less stress down the road.  But speaking to him reminded me of why I love going to school.  Knowledge.  Not prestige, or money, or anything temporal and superficial.  Knowledge; a passion for thinking and learning.  I can't believe I forgot.  He made me think, and contemplate, and evaluate.  I don't think I'll ever be able to repay him for what he gave me in a simply complex 2 hour conversation.  And it all ended with a shy thank you for keeping him awake, an awkward pat on the shoulder and a kind word of good luck.  My hope for my future is that when I'm old, and gray, I'll be the woman calling a man like him at 9:30, making sure he's ok, recounting the stories he missed on the radio.  That I'll be as intellectually stimulated as he is, wether I'm a professor or simple tradesman.  And that I'll have as high of a quality of life as he does.  I'm profoundly humbled, and grateful for experiencing a human being like him. :)

Lists

List Of...


"Freebies":
1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
2. James McAvoy
3. Javier Bardem
4. Adam Brody
5. Michael Cera

Dreams:
1. Visit Machu Picchu
2. Say an "anonymous" quote
3. Stand on the Trevi Fountain in a white cotton dress
4. Have a daughter with long, brown curly hair
5. Be a 'one-hit wonder'

Fears:
1. Missing a life-changing opportunity
2. Failure
3. Being afraid of something I don't need to be afraid of
4. Not being taken seriously
5. Ignorance

Pet-Peeves:
1. Controlling people
2. Ignorance
3. Hair on white shirts
4. Smelly rooms
5. When people are too afraid to talk to you

Favorite Moments:
1. The first time you hold hands
2. When you realize they've just told you something they haven't said to many people
3. The first round of butterflies
4. Seeing a deeper perspective of someone
5. The moment you realize you feel safe

Favorite Songs When I'm Feeling Melancholy:
1. Ingrid Michaelson: anything :)
2. Once: Falling Slowly
3. Mat Kearney: Breath In, Breath Out
4. The Killers:  Human
5. Muse: Uprising



There are more lists, but there's plenty of time for those :)

Songs that spoke to me while studying:

Listen. Love. Enjoy :)

Scars
by Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

Glycerine
by Bush

It must be your skin I'm sinking in
Must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind, it's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why

Every thing's gone white and every thing's gray
Now you're here, now you're away
I don't want this, remember that
I'll never forget where you're at

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine

I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time
Are you at one or do you lie
We live in a wheel where everyone steals
But when we rise, it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad, you bruise my face
Couldn't love you more, you got a beautiful taste
Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you

I couldn't change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend 'Fear' and you and me
Glycerine, Glycerine

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine
Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine
Glycerine, Glycerine

Bad mood whine again
Bad mood whine again
As she falls around me

I needed you more when we wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be clear, simple and plain
Well, that's just fine, that's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you, you, you
Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine

Shimmer
by Fuel

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
Can she take me for a while
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade...
Away...again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go

Oh man...

Life is freaking weird.  I love it, but it never stops surprising me.  Learning about how to turn things from negative into positive is like a handbook called "Where You Went Wrong" for every mistake I've ever made.  It's ridiculous and enlightening all at the same time.  Also, sometimes, enlightenment sucks.  Ignorance really is bliss when you don't have to face the truth about yourself.  And others...  If you could just avoid all the really terrible garbage in your lives and the crap people heap onto you, that'd be great.  Can you tell this is my pessimistic post?  So much for no negativity...  Should I end it with a poem? 

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Everyone makes mistakes,
And people will always disappoint you.

Haha, just kidding!  :D

Seriously, I do love life.  I'm not going off the deep end, or going to shank anyone (at least not out of the blue...).  I just feel like all I do is vomit rainbows and butterflies, and there's a lot of other stuff there too.  Just felt like sharing my weird computer lab-induced musings.

Revelation

It's weird when you realize how big of an idiot you can be.  When you see your previous perspective was pretty skewed.  You'll see things in a completely different light, and you can still feel the old perspective in the background but the new one reminds you not to be too hasty in your judgements. 

And judgement in general sucks.  I've always 'hated' judgemental people, and finding out you are one is a big surprise.  I'm not going to use this space to share anything negative again.  I've learned something very important about conduct, and I'm determined to never make that same mistake again.  They say the higher your pride, the harder your fall, but never has THAT phrase rang so true.  I'm still me, with all my flaws, and I'm not about to pretend that they're miraculously gone because I suddenly became aware of them.  I'm just saying that there are new flaws I'm aware of, and that I'm working on.

Grateful for Today:

I have a great friend who is sharing their music with me.
The sun shone all day long.
I improved on my mile-running time, and feel better about myself.
I realized I have good friends in every class.
Progress is inevitable.
There's a pot-roast I'm cooking in the crock pot that will be done late tonight, just in time for all my roommates to come home and have a little piece of 'peace-offering'.
I'm learning so much in this time of preparation, and it's all due to those who love and those who share my life.
The library is a great place to get away and just get stuff done.
My cell phone is coming today.
My mom loves me so much :)  That's the thing I'm most grateful for today.