Oh my...

Wow... where to begin?

I'm just going to spill it as things come to me... here goes :-z

So, I'm scared.  Terrified actually.  I want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction my heart seems to be leading me.  I feel Heavenly Father holding my hand and leading me away from everything I've always wanted.  It's a strange, terrifying yet comforting, completely unknown feeling.  I've always followed my parents wherever they led me.  If HF told my mom to move across the country, I'd start packing.  But now that He's talking directly to me, saying things like "Prepare yourself" and "I know you're scared, but it's for your own good", I'm digging my heels in just a little. 

Growth is the absolute most important thing in this life, besides love.  I thought I'd grown enough that the latter was well on its way, but it seems like I'm headed towards a path I never planned for.  There's still the small voice in the back of my mind saying, "You know, it could just be a test.  Like Abraham and the lamb?  There's still a chance you'll stay and that He just wants you to appreciate what you've got and work harder for what you want."  I honestly don't know what to think of that voice.  When it pipes up, I feel a sense of calm and peace, and security.  But then I remember, Noah really built the ark for a reason.  Yes, it was a test, and yes, he built it.  But yes, the floods did come, and Heavenly Father kept his word.  What am I going to do?  Those who have been members their whole lives say they felt like an investigator when they went to the MTC.  I've only been a member for 8 years, and was inactive for more than 6 of them.  I don't know anything close to as much as I need to in order to be well-informed and teaching.  What if I lead someone astray?  I've never been terribly atuned to the Spirit; I might say the wrong thing.  And yes, I've been told that doubt is the opposite of faith (by someone who overcame their fear and nervousness to become someone incredible), but I still doubt.  I've never, and will never, doubt the Lord.  But I heartily doubt myself.  I can't imagine being good enough to be a missionary.

Oh my goodness.  I want to cry just thinking about all the things I'll miss.  I would love to travel, and spend 18 months doing God's work.  But everyone dear to me will be married, having children, moving on with their lives, and I'm going to miss every part of it.  All my friends are finally coming home, and now I'm going to leave?  My best friend who's helped me through the biggest struggles in my life is getting married, and I desperately want to be there for her, and to share in her special day, but if I go, I'll  be letting her down and walking away from her love and generosity.  So many run-on sentences.... so many emotions, they can't be contained in grammar (ugh.. I've been far too involved in my English courses)  What if Kaylee and Lilly won't remember me?  I'll miss Kaylee's first day of school, and maybe Lilly's.  What about the amazing moments when they grow up from toddler to big-kid?  Even though I'm two or three states away, I'm still only a phone call or text message away.  If I leave, I can't talk to them except for two or three times over the phone, and an email once a week. 

Can I just say:  I have NO idea how you men ("guys" when you left) were able to walk away from the life you've known your whole lives for two years.  Because I have no idea if I'll be able to. 

Aside from the fear, I feel like I'll never be good enough if I don't go.  If I stay here, how will I progress?  If I go, I'll become the woman HF sees me becoming, and I'll be infinitely happier.  "Patient and obedient" is what the P. Blessing calls for: my two deepest struggles.  If only I had hindsight, or a guarantee that everything would be ok.... Oh, yeah. I already have the guarantee: Matthew 16:25

"For whoseover will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."

Time to be brave, and obedient, I guess, and patiently wait for the Lord's timing in my 'happily ever after'.  Think they'll notice my knees knocking in the big clunky shoes and little black nametag?

P.S.  I still haven't decided on whether I'm going or not, so there!  :]

Revelation

I finally found the perfect song.

My Someday Dreams

My Someday Dreams

I want to travel around the world someday.  Not all at once, but a little bit every year or two.  I want to spend two weeks in Italy one summer, exploring the Tuscan countryside and learning the basic language.  I want to jump off a cliff in Greece after hiking to the top of a mountain village.  I want to climb the ruins of Machu Pichu, and read hieroglyphics drawn by an ancient hand.  I want to paddle board around an island and spend an entire day on the sands of an ocean that's impossibly blue. 

I want to write things.  It doesn't have to be Best Seller-worthy, but something that gets published.  Something that's fictional and came from my own creation.  I want to sing a song, in public, that I composed, that people hum as they leave the venue.  Even if it's only one night that I would play it or I only played it for one special occasion, I want people to remember it and have it move them.  I would like to say something so profound to a friend of mine that they write it down.  And long after we've gone our separate ways, they share it with someone they love.  And it continues for years, until one day, as I walk past a store window or a billboard, I look out and see that phrase with "-Anonymous" written beneath it. 

I want love and adventure.  I never want my life to get boring.  I want there to always be people in my life that make my heart sing and keep me from 'settling down'.  I never want to stop living life.  I want to take it on and do things with it.  I want there do constantly be moments where I'm forced out of my comfort zone and I fall time after time, and that I never stop... living.  I want my life to be full.  And completely simple.  It can be complex, but never complicated.  Just whatever it's going to be, it will be.  I'll guide it toward my goals and what's best for those around me, but I'll take it all in stride and just keep going. 

I want to be free.  I don't want to be afraid any longer.  It's hard to set someone you love free; harder yet to free yourself.  I want to be free.

Someday, I want to be like my mom.  I want to be real and honest like Shannon.  I want to be fearless and fun like Lincoln.  I want to be free and adventurous like Pollie.  And most of all I want to love fully like Kaylee :)

Finding strength through the people you love and who guide you through life

Days like this are still hard for me to get used to, but with what I learned from the incredible people in my life last year, it just keeps getting easier to cope and remember that it's really not that bad; that Heavenly Father works with us through our struggles and trials.  For the people I tagged in this post: I just wanted you to read the bottom of the page.  The videos aren't important, just illustrating my emotions.  You know me: all emotion :-P

This is how my day started:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C8e7nNLZNs (sweet disposition, temper trap)

Got through the first part of the day and it became:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmjPrdTNxQ0 (the scientist, coldplay)

Went through a substance abuse lecture in my AbPsych class, and silently relived every hellish moment :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnykIpoPrrA (prayer, disturbed)

Reverted to the worst attitude possible:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg (i hate everything about you, three days grace)

Fought to catch my breath, not breakdown under memories, and let it go again:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDmnG9uTEfk (breathe in, breathe out,  mat kearney)

Am now fighting to keep a positive perspective:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTlw_ZV2fIU (forget and not slow down, relient k)


Thank you Mom, Dad, Brittney, Ricky, Kayli and your families, Wesley, and Pollie for helping me get through the hardest part of my life so far.  I know I would have had a much weaker character and let myself get lost in the mess and give up if it hadn't been for all of you.  Mom gave me a reason to be a good person, Dad gave me the motivation, Ricky & Kayli (& families) gave me the knowledge of how and the opportunity to do it, and Brittney, Wes, and Pollie: you were the safety and backbone I needed to stand up for/against life in general.  Thank you so much for being such an amazing support system.  I owe you ALL a lot.

Music

I just realized that my life's center is music.  I have this friend who's entire family is centered, separately from the Gospel, on boating and water sports.  They spend all their free time on their boat, they spend most of their family time in the water, and it brings them closer together.  It's what makes them happiest and feel the most fulfilled.  I was feeling like I'm out of balance, or something was missing.  I turned on "Sweet Disposition" by Temper Trap, and I couldn't sit still!  I instantly felt alive and happy and like I could scream at the top of my lungs because I was so relieved.  It was exactly what was missing.  Not a boy, not a dream, not a dollar amount, not a possession; a song.  I need it to be happy, and to be me.  It's what I create when I'm struggling or happy or sad or angry.  It's what I turn to when I need an outlet or a comfort or the words to define my emotions.  It helps me to know that someone else gets what I'm feeling, and they know the right words to help get me through it, good or bad.  I can literally sing for hours and never get sick of it.  Or lay on my floor with headphones in and happily not get up for an hour.  It's my passion and what makes my heart sing.  It cannot be tainted by the outside world.  It is the best thing, b/c it's constantly evolving, but never changes.  Once a song is written, it cannot be undone.  It is what it is.  Simplified.  You can change a song, or write another one, but you can never unwrite a song.  Once it's there, it will never go away.  And it's part of its creator.  Whether it's a 60 second ditty on the guitar teasing a friend about singing or a wordless melody that goes on for 5 minutes, it came from you. It's like a part of your soul, a glimpse into who you are as a spirit; no pretenses or falsehoods.  You can't lie in music.  You may make up words, but the music itself is what is truth beyond doubt.  The Gospel is amazing and important to me, and is the foundation.  But music,... I don't know.  Music is the walls and the floors.  It's the rest.  The building is filled with things like family and friends, and significant people in my life.  Those that change it and improve it. The memories made between us and the activities we do.  But everything else is music.  The windows, the walls and the floors. :)


P.s.  As I was rereading this, I realized it sounded a lot like how I feel about the Savior.  See if you have something that makes you happy like that :]

The Old Man

       I rode home on a shuttle last night, and was planning on spending the entire time sleeping since I wouldn't get home till late.  Fate kindly intervened. 
       I've never met anyone who spoke SO much. I had no idea that there were people with whom I could connect so well, while having so little in common.  He was in his 70s, married, a grandfather, a retired tradesman, and yet he shared my passion for literature and knowledge.  He spends his time listening to NPR (National Public Radio) with his wife, Susan, and reading as many classic pieces of literature and articles on 'general knowledge' as he can.  I had forgotten what it felt like to converse with someone.  Not just chat or talk about boys and school, or get together to complain about life.  We discussed things and mused and pondered.  It was the longest 2 hours of my life, but I know I'll never forget those amazing 2 hours. :)  I don't even know his name.  I remember he got cold easily, and wore a funny little yellow beanie. And that he had a soft white beard that looked like snow resting on his chin.  When he spoke, his voice wobbled and he raised his shoulders to his ears.
       One thing I'll NEVER be able to forget is his example of getting to know someone.  I used to think I was pretty good at getting to know people until last night.  In the middle of discussing "Bleak House" by Dickens and talking about the quality of life itself, he finishes his thought, takes a breath, asks a question, and stares, waiting for me to amaze him.  The question?  "What are your hopes?  What do you dream?"  :)  Wow.  What a magnificent question.  It felt so good to use intellectually rich language.  I don't think I said the word "like" more than once the entire time, and never out of literary context.  I'd forgotten that I had an expansive vocabulary beyond "Cool!" "Awesome.." and "No way?!". 
        I keep getting asked this same question:  "Why are you here at USU?  Why are you attending college?  What do you want to get out of this experience?"  I'd forgotten, and would recycle answers I'd heard before, thinking of the negative motivations pushing me through school: GPA, future career/salary, stability, less stress down the road.  But speaking to him reminded me of why I love going to school.  Knowledge.  Not prestige, or money, or anything temporal and superficial.  Knowledge; a passion for thinking and learning.  I can't believe I forgot.  He made me think, and contemplate, and evaluate.  I don't think I'll ever be able to repay him for what he gave me in a simply complex 2 hour conversation.  And it all ended with a shy thank you for keeping him awake, an awkward pat on the shoulder and a kind word of good luck.  My hope for my future is that when I'm old, and gray, I'll be the woman calling a man like him at 9:30, making sure he's ok, recounting the stories he missed on the radio.  That I'll be as intellectually stimulated as he is, wether I'm a professor or simple tradesman.  And that I'll have as high of a quality of life as he does.  I'm profoundly humbled, and grateful for experiencing a human being like him. :)

Lists

List Of...


"Freebies":
1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
2. James McAvoy
3. Javier Bardem
4. Adam Brody
5. Michael Cera

Dreams:
1. Visit Machu Picchu
2. Say an "anonymous" quote
3. Stand on the Trevi Fountain in a white cotton dress
4. Have a daughter with long, brown curly hair
5. Be a 'one-hit wonder'

Fears:
1. Missing a life-changing opportunity
2. Failure
3. Being afraid of something I don't need to be afraid of
4. Not being taken seriously
5. Ignorance

Pet-Peeves:
1. Controlling people
2. Ignorance
3. Hair on white shirts
4. Smelly rooms
5. When people are too afraid to talk to you

Favorite Moments:
1. The first time you hold hands
2. When you realize they've just told you something they haven't said to many people
3. The first round of butterflies
4. Seeing a deeper perspective of someone
5. The moment you realize you feel safe

Favorite Songs When I'm Feeling Melancholy:
1. Ingrid Michaelson: anything :)
2. Once: Falling Slowly
3. Mat Kearney: Breath In, Breath Out
4. The Killers:  Human
5. Muse: Uprising



There are more lists, but there's plenty of time for those :)