The Most Important Thing in Life

As I was lying down to sleep, I started thinking about what I hope to instill in any posterity I may have down the road as the most important thing in life. Having two complete opposites for parents, I grew up with two completely different philosophies: my father's opinions were simple, yet empassioned. My mother's were complex, but honest. From my dad, I heard the importance of money and marriage. With no monney comes no life worth living. With a poor marriage, you set yourself and your children up for failure, potentially for several generations. From Mom, I learned the importance of independence. Her life has never been easy, and she has toiled and triumphed in each battle alone. She's a better person for it, and is self-reliant. She also taught me that you become your best self through doing what's right by people, family or otherwise, and by maintaining continuous integrity. I struggle to uphold each of those standards; I'm by far not the best version of myself yet. And while I believe in my heart those (at least some portion) ideas are important parts of life, I think I have a different idea on what's most important. My former religion literally DRILLED us with the importance of finding a mate and carrying out the holy design of breeding, but, call me what you will, I'd like to think my life and time here is worth more than how many human beings I carry and birth. So, when thinking hard about what truly makes life worth living, all I can come up with is: your mind. Your mind is what is so great about living here. There's such things as too rich, too independent, too romantic, too concilliatory. But there is no such thing as too intelligent. By building your knowledge and sharing what you know, you not only achieve those other qualities, but you're helping inspire others to build themselves up as well. It's uplifting and encouraging to see someone take pride in their thoughts and actions. It brings hope to the soul, to the world, and makes it better, and that, I believe is what is most important in this life.

About As Honest as it Gets: A New Phase

Today was an eye opening day. There were so many things that took me by surprise. First, I realized that even though the idea of returning to that previous relationship has never had any potential whatsoever, I really have not fully recovered from the issues that relationship held. Part of why I believe I've held on so long was because I wasn't ready to let go of the memories of the life we had. My family keeps wondering why I haven't taken the initiative to really get my life started here in Iowa, since I have no intentions of leaving until I get my Bachelor's degree from ISU. But the truth is, I had already started my life. As entirely dysfuntional as our relationship was, I "knew" we were meant to be together. We talked about family vacations we would take after we were married, he'd describe the children we would have like he had already met them. I believed that no matter how long it would take, he would realize I was the one and we would get married. I had built my life around a "we." I knew the path I would take and I knew I was going to be happy for eternity. Another reason why I think I never let go was because of how much I wanted to protect him from his mistake. I knew he had never done something like that before, and that (battered woman mentality-->) I had probably brought it on myself. I knew his "hot buttons" (I.e. when we weren't officially together, I wasn't allowed to act like we were, unless we were alone; don't be affectionate or tickle unless I was prepared to be bruised and marked by his "rough-housing") and I should have been more careful not to make him angry. Between 6 and 9, I lived with an extremely abusive step-father who was violent on a daily basis, and treated my mother worse than our dog. After living in that environment and seeing the strength my mother needed to get out there, I have two (only two) rules about what constitutes a divorce: 1- he hits me out of anger even once, 2- he cheats on me. (I don't include hitting my children because any mother knows that that would immediately constitute jail time/divorce.) Cole knew this from the beginning and promised to never cross my boundary. I knew that the most important thing to him was appearances and respect from others. After he crossed my boundary so fully, I still couldn't betray him and be honest about what happened. There were so many people I never told, who I knew would think differently of him. And I didn't want to be known as the girl who got smacked around. It's so humiliating admitting you gave all your power to someone who couldn't have cared less about you or your love. Well, today, I'm about to change that: the reason we broke up was because he slapped me. Very hard. Repeatedly. In front of his roommate. And then both of his parents told me it was my fault. And I was protecting him. I saw a picture of him holding his sister's newborn son and it brought back so much anger, hatred, jealousy, heartache, resentment. I thought "I should have been there", "That could have been our son by now", and it physically hurt to see him holding a tiny child so gently and tenderly, when my last memory of him was so far from that. And I realized that the pain of holding onto him a second longer was not worth all the memories combined that we shared. I know I learned so much from the year we were together, but it was only one year out of so many. I'm not going to allow it to define me anymore. I'm not going to respect his boundary because he attacked mine. That experience shaped me and molded me into a stronger woman; provided a way for me to finally become an adult. But it will not dictate me a second longer. Up until today, my internal identity from April 29, 2011, was "the girl who's flirting irritated her boyfriend so badly, he hit her. It's hard to say that. It's humiliating. It makes me feel pathetic. And even though I am FAR from blameless for why that relationship fell apart, it was not my choice or my fault that he hit me. I will not hide his shame for him anymore. He has now been removed from my life forever, and I can FINALLY say I am DONE! Aaaaaaaah! My other major revelation today was the beauty of my family. As flawed of human beings as we are, the beauty of our family broke through something stony in me today. When I was hurting and angry, my dad felt the difference, but also knows me well enough that he gave me the space I needed to work through it. I walked outside and found Johnny, who was so loving and understanding that I was able to sit in silence with him and cry. And then he gave me words of sympathy and comfort that I very much needed. After several hugs goodbye, I came home and curled up next to my mom, who I have been so blessed to be able to tell everything to, and feel her love all around me simply by lying next to her. All this beauty surrounds me and almost everyday it's taken for granted. But today, it was exactly what I needed for my heart to be strong, and set aside my pride and my stubbornness, and admit my sadness. Admit that I don't need him in my life ever again, whether he's famous in the world, famous in the LDS church, wealthy, whatever. I don't need to be connected to him any longer. And this is where my new phase begins:

Ireland, Robert Pattinson, Voting, Family and Music

I’m thinking about Ireland.  Lol, that sounds so final.  By ‘thinking’ I mean, sort of realizing there’s a country not on this continent that I could live in, and “Huh, Ireland is green and rainy with really nice people. So why not?”  Where I live doesn’t actually have to be in Seattle, Vancouver, or Portland.  I mean, they’re places I want to see and still contemplate inhabiting, but I realized there are other places I could be happy too; outside of America.  I’ve never sincerely imagined living anywhere besides America, but I really like the idea of going somewhere amazing to live.  The history is millenia-long, the culture is so rich and family-based.  It's like the old-timey feel of the small towns here without the ignorance of the American culture.  The cliffs, rain, weather, history and green everywhere makes me fall in love with the idea more and more.  I don’t know if I’ll ever actually decide to live in Europe or Canada, or some brilliant green island in the middle of nowhere, but these are just my musings.  :) 

I know I missed the whole 'Robert-Pattinson-Twilight-Fan Craze', but he's really cool.  Haha, yeah, I know; I can't believe I'm even talking about this either, but he seems like a really great kind of guy.  I would LOVE to hang out with him for a day.  He's a great actor and an AMAZING musician.  To talk about his music and what kind of things he looks for when he decides on which characters to portray would be a dream come true.  Like, why pick the Twilight guy?  I mean, as great as the books were (yes, I read them :), his acting seems on a much higher plane than that (i.e. Water for Elephants : wow.).  If they actually did those "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" things, and did it for him, I would undoubtedly sign up for it.  And not just because he's the definition of handsome, but because he would be the coolest friend to have.  It would be so great just to get to know him as a person and not a celebrity/fame-figure, you know?  Haha, anyway. If there's anyone out there with pull regarding Robert's schedule, I'll meet him in NYC or London just to hang out for an afternoon ;) 

*WARNING: This is why I NEVER talk politics... Venting iminent; negativity= no thank you :) *

I’m so glad to finally live somewhere where my political vote actually counts for something (i.e. Iowa and not Utah).  But I have to listen to every jackass candidate running for office spew their bullshit platforms every commercial break.  The latest from the “Fool of Texas” (Rick Perry), is about how awful it is that our nation lets gay people in the army but won't let children pray or share religion in school.  How in the hell are the two even related?!?  Don't get me wrong: I’m all for free speech/religion wherever you are, school or otherwise.  But that has nothing to do with gay people in the army.  Am I wrong?  Is there some inexplicable connection between a child not saying “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance and a man getting busy with his bunkmate boyfriend in the middle of Iraq?  I don’t know; maybe that’s overtly offensive, but it’s not meant that way.  I just don’t understand what the hell they have to do with each other, and why he thinks pandering to people like that is helpful to his campaign.  Or that it makes him seem a credible candidate for the presidency…. Ass.   And I heard (word of mouth) about Newt Gingrich's plan for abolishing child labor laws to turn inner-city children into factory workers as a means of 'keeping them out of gangs and from prostituting." (?????)  Is stating my opinion on it even necessary?  I mean, obviously I think it's a barbaric crock of shit, so I guess not.  But I digress :P

I love my nieces; they are the craziest little girls in the whole world.  Every day they do something new that makes me burst out in laughter.  Yesterday they were riding the pillows from off my bed around the house, pretending they were "driving".  Lilly trips over her tiny feet and, thank goodness, lands face-first on the pillow.  Kaylee topples over onto her pillow, howling with laughter, and screams, “Aunt Tiffy!  Lilly pushed the 'fall-down button'!”  I have absolutely no idea where she came up with that, but it just made me belly laugh.  It seems like the only people who really make me genuinely belly laugh are Johnny, Mom, and Kaylee.  Sometimes Lilly and my dad do things that make me bust out laughing, but the people who really know me and see me clearly are the ones who really get me and know what makes me smile. 

Artists/Bands I could listen to forever:

Priscilla Ahn

Snow Patrol

Adele

Rosi Golan

Ray Lamontagne

Bon Iver

Hurts to Purr

Regina Spektor

Mountain Man

Fleet Foxes

Garrett Hedlund

Breaking Benjamin

Ingrid Michaelson

Ben Folds

The Killers

Cake
And you can't forget Robert Pattinson :D

"If music was a love language, it would be mine."  -me :)

Who I Am, As I Am :)

Actual Journal entry from today:

Sunday, October 2, 2011

     Went to church with mom today.  It was really good; we both had epiphanies about a lot of personal choices we've been mking in our lives.  Mom's was... [leaving hers out b/c it's not my epiphany to share]...
     My epiphany was that I have not been true to myself; I'm not being honest with myself.  I'm hiding.  I try to be Shannon, I try to be Mom, Pollie, Brittney; I try to be hard core, badass, damaged, juvenile, mature, angry, ... everything but who I am.  I'm a sweet, kind girl with a tender heart who loves to help people.  That is who I am at my core.  I'm pretty and shy.  I'm not a slut, I'm not scandalous, I'm not skanky, stupid or a clubber.  I'm good.  I am a good girl.  As hard as it is to be a good girl in this world, that is who I am.  I have a slutty streak and have my skanky moments.  I make mistakes and I learn from them.  I'm a little bit narcissistic (like having an audience), I'm moody, spoiled, bratty, selfish, and impatient.  I'm not particularly witty or clever.  I can't tell a proper joke and, unless it's written out, I'm horrible at speaking.  I've been told the real me is something I should hide, and I have for most of my life.  But I have a good heart, I love in a way few are capable, I accept people as they are, and expect very little in return. 
     I don't like violence, I don't like anger or hatred.  I used to cry a lot; I don't really cry at all anymore; not sure why..  I know I'm beautiful, but I'm still too afraid to do anything with it or have the confidence that should go with it. 
    The thing I want most out of life is to be loved.  I want to take care of my husband and have a big house for our big family.  I want to be the safe place where everyone goes in tough times, on holidays, to find sanctuary and traditions.  And to find a good game of tackle football in the front yard :)  I want to find an intelligent man who can balance my weaknesses and love me for who i am.  I want to strenthen him and be the one person he can trust in this world; I want to take care of him.  I know I want a big family, but I also know I don't want kids for quite a while.
    I don't know where my life will take me, but I do know the only way to have a successful life is to be happy; to have a happy perspective or outlook on life.  You will never be fulfilled without great happiness.  You will never know great happiness without great sorrow.  Be grateful for every miraculous moment: good and bad.   ~

I know that's a really personal entry, but it was such an eye opening sermon today that I felt like I really had to share it with someone. 

I'm issuing myself a challenge:

I must be real in every situation; completely honest with myself and everyone around me, even when it means I look stupid or ignorant or like a bad person.  I'm going to stop lying and tell the absolute truth, no matter how many people it upsets.  I've been told "people pleasing is a hard habit to break, but it's better to start telling the truth in your 20's when people will listen to what you have to say than in your 40's when people won't like what they hear because it's never happened before." 

Anyway, it was a really great experience and I'm committed to telling the truth starting... now.

<3

Life :)

Lately life has been harder than normal.  I'm not sure why.  A friend told me "someone's working double time on you" in regards to satan tempting and pushing me and messing with my head.  Stuff like that.  I don't really know why he would be bothering me so much; I mean, it's not as if he hasn't already won some important battles.  Why keep going, you know?  I don't know.  I feel angry more and more often, I get so impatient I feel like I'm just going to explode straight out of my skin, and even though I've always been a pretty loud person (shocker to those who don't know me well :)  I'm loud like 24/7 now.  I can't control my voice, happy, angry, sad, tired; I'm always at full volume.  It's like I've lost all control of myself.

But instead of it feeling awful all the time, when I reflect on it, I get this weird feeling that it's all important for some greater purpose.  Ha!  How funny is that?!  My shortcomings are for somebody else's own good; that's an excuse if I've EVER heard one, right??  Oh man...

It's so weird that my life is so hectic right now.  Out of everyone I know I'm always the one moving slowly and taking their time, but suddenly it's like I don't even have time to ponder before acting, and that everything is instantly consequential. It used to take weeks or months for the outcomes of my actions to appear and now it's like the next day a big slap in the face comes! 

I feel like my foundation was rocked, and I've been falling, trying to keep my balance ever since.  I haven't had the quiet or the time to actually sit down and work through the mess that happened, and I'm expected to have all the answers and make all the right decisions RIGHT NOW.  I'm not going to have time to work through this until I can step back.  I can't step back when it's "all or nothing" kind of situations.  So, I'm a blank slate, couple of cracks and slowly etching out the truth.  :)

Good Kind of Struggle

Even though there are moments when you suddenly are so frustrated that you feel like falling to your knees and screaming at the top of your lungs, today was a good kind of struggle. 

"The hardest things to do in life are the ones that are for your own good."  --Rang so true for me today.  I bit my tongue, stood up for myself, wasn't afraid to ask difficult questions, and was able to cut the chord that was wrapping itself around my throat. 

I don't know why I have such a difficulty with change, but, damn it, I'm ready!  I feel like I can breathe again.  I was terrified, thinking, "Can I really do this?  Can I really cut those ties?  I know they bring sadness every time they're reexamined, but I just can't let them go."  Well, the first step was taken for me when I found a chord already cut from another direction.  That simplest of steps made every other seem possible; bearable.  And with my little moment of courage, I finally cut those strings that were draggin me down.

I really feel like I can breathe again, and like there are absolutely no reasons for me to be afraid any longer. 

I'm free.

Do you know what's so weird?

I think I just moved on from my life in Utah.  I'm completely in love with my famly and I am having the best time being here in Iowa.  I miss my friends but it's not an all-consuming sadness the way it was before.  I just looked through a couple pictures of the people who mattered the most to me, and I realized that I'm ok.  That I'm fine with meeting new people and making new friends.  That by moving on, I'm not turning my back on them, and I don't have to say goodbye for forever.  That's how it used to be when I was a child, before I could afford plane tickets and there was Facebook.  Now, I feel connected and as if life is going to be not just ok, but great.  I feel like I'm going to great things!  I had coffee/tea with a really inspiring person last night, on his way to doing something that makes him really happy.  It was so refreshing to talk and share and be with a person who doesn't know every detail about you, but still accepts you just for who you are.  And who can seem to see and appreciate your value as an individual, and not demand you to be a cookie-cutter prototype.  Even if years from now I've changed my path to return to where I was once heading, I know that I will never regret this time in my life.  I can't imagine having to apologize for this.  It's too freeing, too satisfying, too joyful to ever be sorry for. I can literally do

~~Whatever I Want!~~

I will never be sorry for this; I will never be sorry for being honest with myself and appreciating who I am.  I will never apologize for doing something good for myself no matter how many people will shun me or be disappointed in me.  This is me.  I am not vanilla.  I am colorful, and moody, and happy, and awkward, and nervous, and silly, and immature, and great!  I'm just me :D