Lately life has been harder than normal. I'm not sure why. A friend told me "someone's working double time on you" in regards to satan tempting and pushing me and messing with my head. Stuff like that. I don't really know why he would be bothering me so much; I mean, it's not as if he hasn't already won some important battles. Why keep going, you know? I don't know. I feel angry more and more often, I get so impatient I feel like I'm just going to explode straight out of my skin, and even though I've always been a pretty loud person (shocker to those who don't know me well :) I'm loud like 24/7 now. I can't control my voice, happy, angry, sad, tired; I'm always at full volume. It's like I've lost all control of myself.
But instead of it feeling awful all the time, when I reflect on it, I get this weird feeling that it's all important for some greater purpose. Ha! How funny is that?! My shortcomings are for somebody else's own good; that's an excuse if I've EVER heard one, right?? Oh man...
It's so weird that my life is so hectic right now. Out of everyone I know I'm always the one moving slowly and taking their time, but suddenly it's like I don't even have time to ponder before acting, and that everything is instantly consequential. It used to take weeks or months for the outcomes of my actions to appear and now it's like the next day a big slap in the face comes!
I feel like my foundation was rocked, and I've been falling, trying to keep my balance ever since. I haven't had the quiet or the time to actually sit down and work through the mess that happened, and I'm expected to have all the answers and make all the right decisions RIGHT NOW. I'm not going to have time to work through this until I can step back. I can't step back when it's "all or nothing" kind of situations. So, I'm a blank slate, couple of cracks and slowly etching out the truth. :)
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Good Kind of Struggle
Even though there are moments when you suddenly are so frustrated that you feel like falling to your knees and screaming at the top of your lungs, today was a good kind of struggle.
"The hardest things to do in life are the ones that are for your own good." --Rang so true for me today. I bit my tongue, stood up for myself, wasn't afraid to ask difficult questions, and was able to cut the chord that was wrapping itself around my throat.
I don't know why I have such a difficulty with change, but, damn it, I'm ready! I feel like I can breathe again. I was terrified, thinking, "Can I really do this? Can I really cut those ties? I know they bring sadness every time they're reexamined, but I just can't let them go." Well, the first step was taken for me when I found a chord already cut from another direction. That simplest of steps made every other seem possible; bearable. And with my little moment of courage, I finally cut those strings that were draggin me down.
I really feel like I can breathe again, and like there are absolutely no reasons for me to be afraid any longer.
I'm free.
"The hardest things to do in life are the ones that are for your own good." --Rang so true for me today. I bit my tongue, stood up for myself, wasn't afraid to ask difficult questions, and was able to cut the chord that was wrapping itself around my throat.
I don't know why I have such a difficulty with change, but, damn it, I'm ready! I feel like I can breathe again. I was terrified, thinking, "Can I really do this? Can I really cut those ties? I know they bring sadness every time they're reexamined, but I just can't let them go." Well, the first step was taken for me when I found a chord already cut from another direction. That simplest of steps made every other seem possible; bearable. And with my little moment of courage, I finally cut those strings that were draggin me down.
I really feel like I can breathe again, and like there are absolutely no reasons for me to be afraid any longer.
I'm free.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Do you know what's so weird?
I think I just moved on from my life in Utah. I'm completely in love with my famly and I am having the best time being here in Iowa. I miss my friends but it's not an all-consuming sadness the way it was before. I just looked through a couple pictures of the people who mattered the most to me, and I realized that I'm ok. That I'm fine with meeting new people and making new friends. That by moving on, I'm not turning my back on them, and I don't have to say goodbye for forever. That's how it used to be when I was a child, before I could afford plane tickets and there was Facebook. Now, I feel connected and as if life is going to be not just ok, but great. I feel like I'm going to great things! I had coffee/tea with a really inspiring person last night, on his way to doing something that makes him really happy. It was so refreshing to talk and share and be with a person who doesn't know every detail about you, but still accepts you just for who you are. And who can seem to see and appreciate your value as an individual, and not demand you to be a cookie-cutter prototype. Even if years from now I've changed my path to return to where I was once heading, I know that I will never regret this time in my life. I can't imagine having to apologize for this. It's too freeing, too satisfying, too joyful to ever be sorry for. I can literally do
~~Whatever I Want!~~
I will never be sorry for this; I will never be sorry for being honest with myself and appreciating who I am. I will never apologize for doing something good for myself no matter how many people will shun me or be disappointed in me. This is me. I am not vanilla. I am colorful, and moody, and happy, and awkward, and nervous, and silly, and immature, and great! I'm just me :D
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wow :)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar or if I really am just this flighty! I'll make a decision and within days, I'm on a completely different track! Lol, I know it's bad, but right now, I'm so happy that I don't care!! So, please excuse the last post, as it is RIDICULOUS and I was just feeling like a fish out of water with the whole situation; the mess has been cleared :) So, here's the reason I'm writing:
I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER!!!
I know that's 'not a practical profession' and 'a very competitive field'; I know all of the downturns. But, lately I feel like I can't help but write all the time! (So many exclamation points; can you tell I'm happy?!?:) Yesterday I finally realized something: Even though I'm over the mess of last semester, I haven't emotionally released my pain and anger. I think that's why I'm behaving out of character so much. I'm denying my emotions so I don't have to deal with them and I'm hiding parts of who I really am. When you deny growth, it doesn't just go away. It festers and poisons your soul, preventing you from being a healthy human being from the inside out! I've been doing just that. Being wreckless, acting juvenile, all of my behavior lately (not that I've gone off the deep end, but I'm definitely swimming in deeper waters). I realized this, cried on my knees (releasing tears, not the kind I was crying a few months ago:) and really talked with God. For the first time in a loooong time. No thee's, thou's; no pretense. And it was like all my hinderances fell away. I could breathe again when I didn't know I was holding my breath. And like I could straighten my spine when it was bowed under the pressure of everything. It was GREAT!!!!! Then later, I was reading something Cole had written and I was genuinely inspired to write something!! That's never happened before! He has a phrase from this amazing poem he wrote about the relationships between black, white and gray; it's so profound. And I reread that phrase last night and it was like a window opened onto this beautiful story. It's kind of 'our' story, but at the same time it's completely different. I want to use his quote as the forward/dedication in my book (I know right? "BOOK?!?!?" But yeah, I'm going to write a book!). And I'm going to quote him and everything; it's going to be so great! I'm so excited to start writing!
Anyway that's all my updates thus far other than BK is back for the time being, I'm excited to be going to Utah in exactly 6 weeks and 1 day, and that I'm embarking on my own mini-adventure of transforming myself inside AND out! I'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even when I thought I was the happiest I'd ever been, I've still never been this happy <3 Life is AMAZING, my family is incredible, my friends are the best, and I'm already making plans for this spring! I'm beginning to appreciate my first 'detour' :D AAAAAAAAaaaaaaah! I'm so happy I could SCREAM! (and I just did :)
I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER!!!
I know that's 'not a practical profession' and 'a very competitive field'; I know all of the downturns. But, lately I feel like I can't help but write all the time! (So many exclamation points; can you tell I'm happy?!?:) Yesterday I finally realized something: Even though I'm over the mess of last semester, I haven't emotionally released my pain and anger. I think that's why I'm behaving out of character so much. I'm denying my emotions so I don't have to deal with them and I'm hiding parts of who I really am. When you deny growth, it doesn't just go away. It festers and poisons your soul, preventing you from being a healthy human being from the inside out! I've been doing just that. Being wreckless, acting juvenile, all of my behavior lately (not that I've gone off the deep end, but I'm definitely swimming in deeper waters). I realized this, cried on my knees (releasing tears, not the kind I was crying a few months ago:) and really talked with God. For the first time in a loooong time. No thee's, thou's; no pretense. And it was like all my hinderances fell away. I could breathe again when I didn't know I was holding my breath. And like I could straighten my spine when it was bowed under the pressure of everything. It was GREAT!!!!! Then later, I was reading something Cole had written and I was genuinely inspired to write something!! That's never happened before! He has a phrase from this amazing poem he wrote about the relationships between black, white and gray; it's so profound. And I reread that phrase last night and it was like a window opened onto this beautiful story. It's kind of 'our' story, but at the same time it's completely different. I want to use his quote as the forward/dedication in my book (I know right? "BOOK?!?!?" But yeah, I'm going to write a book!). And I'm going to quote him and everything; it's going to be so great! I'm so excited to start writing!
Anyway that's all my updates thus far other than BK is back for the time being, I'm excited to be going to Utah in exactly 6 weeks and 1 day, and that I'm embarking on my own mini-adventure of transforming myself inside AND out! I'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even when I thought I was the happiest I'd ever been, I've still never been this happy <3 Life is AMAZING, my family is incredible, my friends are the best, and I'm already making plans for this spring! I'm beginning to appreciate my first 'detour' :D AAAAAAAAaaaaaaah! I'm so happy I could SCREAM! (and I just did :)
Friday, July 8, 2011
Fourth of July Antics
THE LAKE
My parents decide we should go to the lake for the 4th. We get there early, get the perfect spot : picnic table under a tree, right next to the play ground, and just far enough from the water to be safe. There's a picnic, we're enjoying the sun in our swimsuits, and everything's going great. My mom has the bright idea to go rent a paddle boat on the other side of the lake and paddle it back to our beach. So we get there and they only have four-man paddles so we get one of those, leave the car there, and head across the lake. The four "men" in the boat? Me (can't swim), my mom (bad knees), Virginia (just had back surgery), and Kaylee (... she's three)! Kaylee's far too little; she's just along for the ride in her little life jacket. Mom and Virginia quit about 3 minutes into it, only sporadically pedalling to help, and I get the joy of sweatily bellowing about their poor steering while I'm the only one pushing. We get to the horn of the beach, and we literally STOP MOVING. We were like, "What the hell?!" Apparently Mom had steered too close and we got stuck in ankle deep water. So I jump out expecting it to be waist high, and we all lost it when I landed taller than I was in the boat! My mom and I end up walking the boat around the horn, into deeper water, with Kaylee and Virginia in the boat, and pull it up on the shore. Mom reaches into her pocket cuz she feels something wet and heavy... Her cell phone! Completely shot.
The picnic continues with my dad making about a billion trips to the bathroom, losing his temper at the bottle of sunscreen and pissed that his hat keeps blowing away. To cool off, he swims out, fully clothed, into the lake about chest deep and plays with the girls. After I played music for a while and we built sand castles on the beach, Mom realizes it's time to bring the paddle boat back. However... a big family of migrant workers has decided that since our boat was just resting out there, not being put to use, they would take it over and fall asleep in it! So we had to go wake up the random strangers and get them out of our boat. My mom's knees and Virginia's back were shot, so involuntarily the task to help me paddle back fell on Dad's shoulders.
Now I get stubborn. I tell him to get in too early and fall in the sand trying to get him out into the water. We push off, steer perfectly around the horn and are doing great. Except that he's uncomfortable in the front. I have to be in back b/c I know how to steer, but b/c he's already grumpy, he throws a temper tantrum and crawls in the back determined not to have to sit up front. We stop going anywhere. So I move up front. But now his seat back isn't working. So I have to straddle the middle of the boat to counteract his movement (not agile movement, I might add..). Now I move over to my spot, try to coach him through the mechanics of steering, and we start having it out! He's pissed that I expected him to be able to figure it out; I'm pissed that he was acting like a baby. From my perspective, it was reminscent of trying to ride a tandum bike uphill, with a sweat, grumpy gorilla bitching in the background. AWFUL. Loooooong story short, we apologize, take only our assigned jobs (I pedal, he steers), and somehow manage to return the boat, perfectly, into it's place.
FIREWORKS
There weren't any fireworks showing at that particular park/lake, so we drove to a park closer to our house, park the car and watched in lawn chairs. Little do we know the "Beverly Hillbillies" are about to park next to us in the grass parking lot. "Jim Bob" (I didn't really know his name :), pulls in, hops on top of his rusty Bronco, blasting "I'm Proud to Be An American" (NO LIE!!) and yells something at his baby-momma. His friends show up to check out his sweet new ride, and, bragging, he says, "Yep! In 37 payments, this baby's gonna be all mine!" :O wow... They proceeded to bellow obscenities at police, their little girl who had obviously been exposed to MUCH more than she should have at that age, and any car that left early with their lights on. They actually almost got into several fist fights with drivers.
After they finally calmed down, we were watching the fireworks, with Lilly in my mom's lap when she sees a great big green one (her favorite color) and says, "I want to HAVE it!" with her arms spread out wide like she's going to give it a hug. So adorable :)
About 30 seconds later, while we're still watching the bright flashes, we hear Kaylee toot in her seat. My mom and I look over at her, shocked at how loud it was. My mom asks, "What was that?!" Kaylee answers, "...firework?" We were doubled over laughing so hard!
It was a wonderfully unforgettable Fourth of July. And if you've miraculously made it this far in reading, I'm impressed!
Hope your Fourth was as memorable as mine was! <3
My parents decide we should go to the lake for the 4th. We get there early, get the perfect spot : picnic table under a tree, right next to the play ground, and just far enough from the water to be safe. There's a picnic, we're enjoying the sun in our swimsuits, and everything's going great. My mom has the bright idea to go rent a paddle boat on the other side of the lake and paddle it back to our beach. So we get there and they only have four-man paddles so we get one of those, leave the car there, and head across the lake. The four "men" in the boat? Me (can't swim), my mom (bad knees), Virginia (just had back surgery), and Kaylee (... she's three)! Kaylee's far too little; she's just along for the ride in her little life jacket. Mom and Virginia quit about 3 minutes into it, only sporadically pedalling to help, and I get the joy of sweatily bellowing about their poor steering while I'm the only one pushing. We get to the horn of the beach, and we literally STOP MOVING. We were like, "What the hell?!" Apparently Mom had steered too close and we got stuck in ankle deep water. So I jump out expecting it to be waist high, and we all lost it when I landed taller than I was in the boat! My mom and I end up walking the boat around the horn, into deeper water, with Kaylee and Virginia in the boat, and pull it up on the shore. Mom reaches into her pocket cuz she feels something wet and heavy... Her cell phone! Completely shot.
The picnic continues with my dad making about a billion trips to the bathroom, losing his temper at the bottle of sunscreen and pissed that his hat keeps blowing away. To cool off, he swims out, fully clothed, into the lake about chest deep and plays with the girls. After I played music for a while and we built sand castles on the beach, Mom realizes it's time to bring the paddle boat back. However... a big family of migrant workers has decided that since our boat was just resting out there, not being put to use, they would take it over and fall asleep in it! So we had to go wake up the random strangers and get them out of our boat. My mom's knees and Virginia's back were shot, so involuntarily the task to help me paddle back fell on Dad's shoulders.
Now I get stubborn. I tell him to get in too early and fall in the sand trying to get him out into the water. We push off, steer perfectly around the horn and are doing great. Except that he's uncomfortable in the front. I have to be in back b/c I know how to steer, but b/c he's already grumpy, he throws a temper tantrum and crawls in the back determined not to have to sit up front. We stop going anywhere. So I move up front. But now his seat back isn't working. So I have to straddle the middle of the boat to counteract his movement (not agile movement, I might add..). Now I move over to my spot, try to coach him through the mechanics of steering, and we start having it out! He's pissed that I expected him to be able to figure it out; I'm pissed that he was acting like a baby. From my perspective, it was reminscent of trying to ride a tandum bike uphill, with a sweat, grumpy gorilla bitching in the background. AWFUL. Loooooong story short, we apologize, take only our assigned jobs (I pedal, he steers), and somehow manage to return the boat, perfectly, into it's place.
FIREWORKS
There weren't any fireworks showing at that particular park/lake, so we drove to a park closer to our house, park the car and watched in lawn chairs. Little do we know the "Beverly Hillbillies" are about to park next to us in the grass parking lot. "Jim Bob" (I didn't really know his name :), pulls in, hops on top of his rusty Bronco, blasting "I'm Proud to Be An American" (NO LIE!!) and yells something at his baby-momma. His friends show up to check out his sweet new ride, and, bragging, he says, "Yep! In 37 payments, this baby's gonna be all mine!" :O wow... They proceeded to bellow obscenities at police, their little girl who had obviously been exposed to MUCH more than she should have at that age, and any car that left early with their lights on. They actually almost got into several fist fights with drivers.
After they finally calmed down, we were watching the fireworks, with Lilly in my mom's lap when she sees a great big green one (her favorite color) and says, "I want to HAVE it!" with her arms spread out wide like she's going to give it a hug. So adorable :)
About 30 seconds later, while we're still watching the bright flashes, we hear Kaylee toot in her seat. My mom and I look over at her, shocked at how loud it was. My mom asks, "What was that?!" Kaylee answers, "...firework?" We were doubled over laughing so hard!
It was a wonderfully unforgettable Fourth of July. And if you've miraculously made it this far in reading, I'm impressed!
Hope your Fourth was as memorable as mine was! <3
Friday, June 17, 2011
Sucker Pride :D
LOL!!! So I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this is going to think I'm hugely proud and arrogant, but I am having a great day! I did have to give up my job that I love, which I'll miss, but it provides a way for absolutely everything to work out!!! And THAT makes me grin like villain! So remember a post from before where I was all "OMG, where is this foggy mountain path leading me?!" Well!! Here it is:
I'm going to go back to nannying for my two beautiful, adorable nieces, finish the summer happy with my family the way we all had planned it. I'll have a car we couldn't have expected and freedom to do whatever I want. I'm going to spend my weekends with my dad and enjoy the sun and all of Iowa, etc... And then when August rolls around, I'm going to kiss and hug everyone goodbye, pack my car Forrest with my stuff and head home to Utah where I'll be right between my hs friends in Magna, and my college friends in Logan! I'm heading to Ogden to live my bestie Shanny and I get to help her plan her wedding and she's going to help me decorate my new room :D (She just doesn't know it yet! ;) And I'm going to have a job and finish my credits and live life and be happy and it's going to be AMAZING!!! <3 <3 <3 Ah~! so...
Things I need :
Strength
Height (even if it's only 1/2" :)
Fun
Things I can't have :
Inconsiderate
Angry
Controlling
______________________________
Things I am :
Loving
Gentle
Honest
Things I'm not (but am working on ;) :
Patient
Obedient
Humble
Outgoing
Angry
Chase someone away from keying my car while they were drunk and angry
I'm going to go back to nannying for my two beautiful, adorable nieces, finish the summer happy with my family the way we all had planned it. I'll have a car we couldn't have expected and freedom to do whatever I want. I'm going to spend my weekends with my dad and enjoy the sun and all of Iowa, etc... And then when August rolls around, I'm going to kiss and hug everyone goodbye, pack my car Forrest with my stuff and head home to Utah where I'll be right between my hs friends in Magna, and my college friends in Logan! I'm heading to Ogden to live my bestie Shanny and I get to help her plan her wedding and she's going to help me decorate my new room :D (She just doesn't know it yet! ;) And I'm going to have a job and finish my credits and live life and be happy and it's going to be AMAZING!!! <3 <3 <3 Ah~! so...
I also heard this new song on Pandora (LOVE it!) called Warning Sign by Coldplay (here comes the pride :P) and I realized: You know what?! I kick ASS. I'm not some lameass bimbo or pathetic, whining ninny; I'm best friends with great people, can deal with just about any situation that comes my way, I'm always smiling and happy, and even though my 'conduct' isn't exactly 'worthy' I still handle myself with grace! And when I heard this song... :D I realized a certain someone is going to MOST DEFINITELY be feeling exactly the way this guy does in a little while (except for the "open arms" crap; cuz that ain't happ'nin')!
I also decided to come up with my own little 'fill-out' thingy just to share with anyone. So here you go! :
Game of 5
Things I'm a sucker for :
Puppy dog brown eyes
Jaw lines
Soft tummies
Big hands
Great sense of humor
Things I appreciate :
Personality
Shyness
Silliness
Being playful
A belly laugh
Things I need :
Strength
Height (even if it's only 1/2" :)
Protectiveness
HonestyFun
Things I can't have :
Inconsiderate
Guarded
HarshAngry
Controlling
______________________________
Things I am :
Loving
Gentle
Honest
Playful
GoofyThings I'm not (but am working on ;) :
Patient
Obedient
Humble
Outgoing
Angry
______________________
Crazy/Amazing Things I've done :
Free-fall from 160ft in the air in a harness
Flip off an SUV full of Poli gang-bangersChase someone away from keying my car while they were drunk and angry
Was the only person to see Kaylee's first steps
Things I'll do before I die :
Skydive
Run a marathon
See Greece and Italy
Learn another language fluently (and NOT Spanish)
Travel the world with the one I love whenever we want
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Help?
This really cool girl I don't know very well is my facebook-friend. She seems to know exactly how to say what I'm thinking in whatever she posts. And as I was avoiding thinking any deeper about my issues (to avoid thought is to avoid being overwhelmed by the decisions I have to make), I saw this as her post:
Honestly if a stranger were to look at my life and see where I've been and look at where I am, they'd think I'd lost my way but I feel more myself and more secure in who i am and the decisions I'm making then ever. I really feel like the co...nsequence of my decisions are now mine to deal with and I don't have to live up to what someone else wants of me because I know what I want for me, does that make any sense? Maybe i'm just nuts haha
Yes. That makes perfect sense. I wish I had enough sense to think like that, but I can't seem to find any levelness or peacefulness to help me make my decisions. And the real reason is that I'm just trying to make everybody happy. I'm not deciding for myself 1: because I don't know what I really want/need and 2: it's easier to understand what they want than try figure out what I need. I know what I want, but I can FEEL that this decision is going to change my WHOLE life, and the thing is I can't tell if one option is a temptation or the other, or if they're both mistakes and I just can't seem to see a 3rd heaven-sent option. That's probably my problem: I'm kicking and screaming against the idea that I need HF/God right now. It's mostly b/c I'm scared. And probably too proud. My hands start shaking evey time I even begin to think about it all. It's going to affect more than just my life too. Here's what I'm facing:
Option 1: Stay here. Work at the tv station until I get fired or promoted (most likely promoted) and I could have some kind of corporate career without so much as a real degree to my name at 21.
Option 2: Stay here, work through the summer, go to DMACC this fall for the last 3 credits for my degree. Get a full/part-time job possibly working at an established graphic design firm (possible major) that is interested in hiring/interning me if I'm interested thanks to my mom's networking capabilities. After I'm done @DMACC, I could go anywhere: Seattle <3, NY, doesn't matter; pick a school, get in, get my degree, do what I want, live my life however I want. Sounds GREAT right??? Except that I miss my friends. Which brings me to...
Option 3: Go back to Utah. Live among the people I'm questioning, amidst the overwhelming majority of the faith I'm questioning, where I'll pretty much be on my own (a plus!), living with my best friend/favorite person in the whole world, but probably flaunting my wrecklessness in everyone's face (a minus). But I'll be able to visit people in Logan, and finish my degree at USU, so I won't look like a complete fool on my transcripts, and I can go see my friends in SLC w/o having to LIVE in SLC. I'll be able to go to class, have a job and feel like I have it all. Also so GREAT right?!?! Wrong. B/c? Here's why:
Biggest Con of them all: Lisa, Johnny, Kaylee, Lilly, Rick, Lori, Rob, Ellie, new baby boy Prier, Alison, Andy, Jacky, Josie, Mark, Carmen, Richard, Hallie, Havyn, Jeff, Liz, Samson, Harper, Aunt Mary Carol, Uncle Jack, Aunt Carol and Uncle Roy are all here in Iowa, and they ALL want me to stay here and actually be a part of the family they've always been for me. Every single one of them is waiting for the day when i finally realize Iowa is where I'm most loved and where I belong. And I'll be able to help them most if I stay. But will it help me most?
So. I'm literally standing here with ten people pulling on every appendage, each in a different direction, not knowing where I want to go and I'm running out of time.
Help?
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