Ireland, Robert Pattinson, Voting, Family and Music

I’m thinking about Ireland.  Lol, that sounds so final.  By ‘thinking’ I mean, sort of realizing there’s a country not on this continent that I could live in, and “Huh, Ireland is green and rainy with really nice people. So why not?”  Where I live doesn’t actually have to be in Seattle, Vancouver, or Portland.  I mean, they’re places I want to see and still contemplate inhabiting, but I realized there are other places I could be happy too; outside of America.  I’ve never sincerely imagined living anywhere besides America, but I really like the idea of going somewhere amazing to live.  The history is millenia-long, the culture is so rich and family-based.  It's like the old-timey feel of the small towns here without the ignorance of the American culture.  The cliffs, rain, weather, history and green everywhere makes me fall in love with the idea more and more.  I don’t know if I’ll ever actually decide to live in Europe or Canada, or some brilliant green island in the middle of nowhere, but these are just my musings.  :) 

I know I missed the whole 'Robert-Pattinson-Twilight-Fan Craze', but he's really cool.  Haha, yeah, I know; I can't believe I'm even talking about this either, but he seems like a really great kind of guy.  I would LOVE to hang out with him for a day.  He's a great actor and an AMAZING musician.  To talk about his music and what kind of things he looks for when he decides on which characters to portray would be a dream come true.  Like, why pick the Twilight guy?  I mean, as great as the books were (yes, I read them :), his acting seems on a much higher plane than that (i.e. Water for Elephants : wow.).  If they actually did those "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" things, and did it for him, I would undoubtedly sign up for it.  And not just because he's the definition of handsome, but because he would be the coolest friend to have.  It would be so great just to get to know him as a person and not a celebrity/fame-figure, you know?  Haha, anyway. If there's anyone out there with pull regarding Robert's schedule, I'll meet him in NYC or London just to hang out for an afternoon ;) 

*WARNING: This is why I NEVER talk politics... Venting iminent; negativity= no thank you :) *

I’m so glad to finally live somewhere where my political vote actually counts for something (i.e. Iowa and not Utah).  But I have to listen to every jackass candidate running for office spew their bullshit platforms every commercial break.  The latest from the “Fool of Texas” (Rick Perry), is about how awful it is that our nation lets gay people in the army but won't let children pray or share religion in school.  How in the hell are the two even related?!?  Don't get me wrong: I’m all for free speech/religion wherever you are, school or otherwise.  But that has nothing to do with gay people in the army.  Am I wrong?  Is there some inexplicable connection between a child not saying “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance and a man getting busy with his bunkmate boyfriend in the middle of Iraq?  I don’t know; maybe that’s overtly offensive, but it’s not meant that way.  I just don’t understand what the hell they have to do with each other, and why he thinks pandering to people like that is helpful to his campaign.  Or that it makes him seem a credible candidate for the presidency…. Ass.   And I heard (word of mouth) about Newt Gingrich's plan for abolishing child labor laws to turn inner-city children into factory workers as a means of 'keeping them out of gangs and from prostituting." (?????)  Is stating my opinion on it even necessary?  I mean, obviously I think it's a barbaric crock of shit, so I guess not.  But I digress :P

I love my nieces; they are the craziest little girls in the whole world.  Every day they do something new that makes me burst out in laughter.  Yesterday they were riding the pillows from off my bed around the house, pretending they were "driving".  Lilly trips over her tiny feet and, thank goodness, lands face-first on the pillow.  Kaylee topples over onto her pillow, howling with laughter, and screams, “Aunt Tiffy!  Lilly pushed the 'fall-down button'!”  I have absolutely no idea where she came up with that, but it just made me belly laugh.  It seems like the only people who really make me genuinely belly laugh are Johnny, Mom, and Kaylee.  Sometimes Lilly and my dad do things that make me bust out laughing, but the people who really know me and see me clearly are the ones who really get me and know what makes me smile. 

Artists/Bands I could listen to forever:

Priscilla Ahn

Snow Patrol

Adele

Rosi Golan

Ray Lamontagne

Bon Iver

Hurts to Purr

Regina Spektor

Mountain Man

Fleet Foxes

Garrett Hedlund

Breaking Benjamin

Ingrid Michaelson

Ben Folds

The Killers

Cake
And you can't forget Robert Pattinson :D

"If music was a love language, it would be mine."  -me :)

Who I Am, As I Am :)

Actual Journal entry from today:

Sunday, October 2, 2011

     Went to church with mom today.  It was really good; we both had epiphanies about a lot of personal choices we've been mking in our lives.  Mom's was... [leaving hers out b/c it's not my epiphany to share]...
     My epiphany was that I have not been true to myself; I'm not being honest with myself.  I'm hiding.  I try to be Shannon, I try to be Mom, Pollie, Brittney; I try to be hard core, badass, damaged, juvenile, mature, angry, ... everything but who I am.  I'm a sweet, kind girl with a tender heart who loves to help people.  That is who I am at my core.  I'm pretty and shy.  I'm not a slut, I'm not scandalous, I'm not skanky, stupid or a clubber.  I'm good.  I am a good girl.  As hard as it is to be a good girl in this world, that is who I am.  I have a slutty streak and have my skanky moments.  I make mistakes and I learn from them.  I'm a little bit narcissistic (like having an audience), I'm moody, spoiled, bratty, selfish, and impatient.  I'm not particularly witty or clever.  I can't tell a proper joke and, unless it's written out, I'm horrible at speaking.  I've been told the real me is something I should hide, and I have for most of my life.  But I have a good heart, I love in a way few are capable, I accept people as they are, and expect very little in return. 
     I don't like violence, I don't like anger or hatred.  I used to cry a lot; I don't really cry at all anymore; not sure why..  I know I'm beautiful, but I'm still too afraid to do anything with it or have the confidence that should go with it. 
    The thing I want most out of life is to be loved.  I want to take care of my husband and have a big house for our big family.  I want to be the safe place where everyone goes in tough times, on holidays, to find sanctuary and traditions.  And to find a good game of tackle football in the front yard :)  I want to find an intelligent man who can balance my weaknesses and love me for who i am.  I want to strenthen him and be the one person he can trust in this world; I want to take care of him.  I know I want a big family, but I also know I don't want kids for quite a while.
    I don't know where my life will take me, but I do know the only way to have a successful life is to be happy; to have a happy perspective or outlook on life.  You will never be fulfilled without great happiness.  You will never know great happiness without great sorrow.  Be grateful for every miraculous moment: good and bad.   ~

I know that's a really personal entry, but it was such an eye opening sermon today that I felt like I really had to share it with someone. 

I'm issuing myself a challenge:

I must be real in every situation; completely honest with myself and everyone around me, even when it means I look stupid or ignorant or like a bad person.  I'm going to stop lying and tell the absolute truth, no matter how many people it upsets.  I've been told "people pleasing is a hard habit to break, but it's better to start telling the truth in your 20's when people will listen to what you have to say than in your 40's when people won't like what they hear because it's never happened before." 

Anyway, it was a really great experience and I'm committed to telling the truth starting... now.

<3

Life :)

Lately life has been harder than normal.  I'm not sure why.  A friend told me "someone's working double time on you" in regards to satan tempting and pushing me and messing with my head.  Stuff like that.  I don't really know why he would be bothering me so much; I mean, it's not as if he hasn't already won some important battles.  Why keep going, you know?  I don't know.  I feel angry more and more often, I get so impatient I feel like I'm just going to explode straight out of my skin, and even though I've always been a pretty loud person (shocker to those who don't know me well :)  I'm loud like 24/7 now.  I can't control my voice, happy, angry, sad, tired; I'm always at full volume.  It's like I've lost all control of myself.

But instead of it feeling awful all the time, when I reflect on it, I get this weird feeling that it's all important for some greater purpose.  Ha!  How funny is that?!  My shortcomings are for somebody else's own good; that's an excuse if I've EVER heard one, right??  Oh man...

It's so weird that my life is so hectic right now.  Out of everyone I know I'm always the one moving slowly and taking their time, but suddenly it's like I don't even have time to ponder before acting, and that everything is instantly consequential. It used to take weeks or months for the outcomes of my actions to appear and now it's like the next day a big slap in the face comes! 

I feel like my foundation was rocked, and I've been falling, trying to keep my balance ever since.  I haven't had the quiet or the time to actually sit down and work through the mess that happened, and I'm expected to have all the answers and make all the right decisions RIGHT NOW.  I'm not going to have time to work through this until I can step back.  I can't step back when it's "all or nothing" kind of situations.  So, I'm a blank slate, couple of cracks and slowly etching out the truth.  :)

Good Kind of Struggle

Even though there are moments when you suddenly are so frustrated that you feel like falling to your knees and screaming at the top of your lungs, today was a good kind of struggle. 

"The hardest things to do in life are the ones that are for your own good."  --Rang so true for me today.  I bit my tongue, stood up for myself, wasn't afraid to ask difficult questions, and was able to cut the chord that was wrapping itself around my throat. 

I don't know why I have such a difficulty with change, but, damn it, I'm ready!  I feel like I can breathe again.  I was terrified, thinking, "Can I really do this?  Can I really cut those ties?  I know they bring sadness every time they're reexamined, but I just can't let them go."  Well, the first step was taken for me when I found a chord already cut from another direction.  That simplest of steps made every other seem possible; bearable.  And with my little moment of courage, I finally cut those strings that were draggin me down.

I really feel like I can breathe again, and like there are absolutely no reasons for me to be afraid any longer. 

I'm free.

Do you know what's so weird?

I think I just moved on from my life in Utah.  I'm completely in love with my famly and I am having the best time being here in Iowa.  I miss my friends but it's not an all-consuming sadness the way it was before.  I just looked through a couple pictures of the people who mattered the most to me, and I realized that I'm ok.  That I'm fine with meeting new people and making new friends.  That by moving on, I'm not turning my back on them, and I don't have to say goodbye for forever.  That's how it used to be when I was a child, before I could afford plane tickets and there was Facebook.  Now, I feel connected and as if life is going to be not just ok, but great.  I feel like I'm going to great things!  I had coffee/tea with a really inspiring person last night, on his way to doing something that makes him really happy.  It was so refreshing to talk and share and be with a person who doesn't know every detail about you, but still accepts you just for who you are.  And who can seem to see and appreciate your value as an individual, and not demand you to be a cookie-cutter prototype.  Even if years from now I've changed my path to return to where I was once heading, I know that I will never regret this time in my life.  I can't imagine having to apologize for this.  It's too freeing, too satisfying, too joyful to ever be sorry for. I can literally do

~~Whatever I Want!~~

I will never be sorry for this; I will never be sorry for being honest with myself and appreciating who I am.  I will never apologize for doing something good for myself no matter how many people will shun me or be disappointed in me.  This is me.  I am not vanilla.  I am colorful, and moody, and happy, and awkward, and nervous, and silly, and immature, and great!  I'm just me :D

Wow :)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar or if I really am just this flighty!  I'll make a decision and within days, I'm on a completely different track!  Lol, I know it's bad, but right now, I'm so happy that I don't care!!  So, please excuse the last post, as it is RIDICULOUS and I was just feeling like a fish out of water with the whole situation; the mess has been cleared :)  So, here's the reason I'm writing:

I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER!!!

I know that's 'not a practical profession' and 'a very competitive field'; I know all of the downturns.  But, lately I feel like I can't help but write all the time!  (So many exclamation points; can you tell I'm happy?!?:)  Yesterday I finally realized something:  Even though I'm over the mess of last semester, I haven't emotionally released my pain and anger.  I think that's why I'm behaving out of character so much. I'm denying my emotions so I don't have to deal with them and I'm hiding parts of who I really am.  When you deny growth, it doesn't just go away.  It festers and poisons your soul, preventing you from being a healthy human being from the inside out!  I've been doing just that.  Being wreckless, acting juvenile, all of my behavior lately (not that I've gone off the deep end, but I'm definitely swimming in deeper waters).  I realized this, cried on my knees (releasing tears, not the kind I was crying a few months ago:)  and really talked with God.  For the first time in a loooong time.  No thee's, thou's; no pretense.  And it was like all my hinderances fell away.  I could breathe again when I didn't know I was holding my breath.  And like I could straighten my spine when it was bowed under the pressure of everything.  It was GREAT!!!!!  Then later, I was reading something Cole had written and I was genuinely inspired to write something!!  That's never happened before!  He has a phrase from this amazing poem he wrote about the relationships between black, white and gray; it's so profound.  And I reread that phrase last night and it was like a window opened onto this beautiful story.  It's kind of 'our' story, but at the same time it's completely different.  I want to use his quote as the forward/dedication in my book (I know right?  "BOOK?!?!?" But yeah, I'm going to write a book!).  And I'm going to quote him and everything; it's going to be so great!  I'm so excited to start writing!

Anyway that's all my updates thus far other than BK is back for the time being, I'm excited to be going to Utah in exactly 6 weeks and 1 day, and that I'm embarking on my own mini-adventure of transforming myself inside AND out!  I'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Even when I thought I was the happiest I'd ever been, I've still never been this happy <3  Life is AMAZING, my family is incredible, my friends are the best, and I'm already making plans for this spring!  I'm beginning to appreciate my first 'detour' :D   AAAAAAAAaaaaaaah!  I'm so happy I could SCREAM!  (and I just did :)

Fourth of July Antics

THE LAKE

My parents decide we should go to the lake for the 4th.  We get there early, get the perfect spot : picnic table under a tree, right next to the play ground, and just far enough from the water to be safe.  There's a picnic, we're enjoying the sun in our swimsuits, and everything's going great.  My mom has the bright idea to go rent a paddle boat on the other side of the lake and paddle it back to our beach.  So we get there and they only have four-man paddles so we get one of those, leave the car there, and head across the lake.  The four "men" in the boat? Me (can't swim), my mom (bad knees), Virginia (just had back surgery), and Kaylee (... she's three)!  Kaylee's far too little; she's just along for the ride in her little life jacket.  Mom and Virginia quit about 3 minutes into it, only sporadically pedalling to help, and I get the joy of sweatily bellowing about their poor steering while I'm the only one pushing.  We get to the horn of the beach, and we literally STOP MOVING.  We were like, "What the hell?!"  Apparently Mom had steered too close and we got stuck in ankle deep water.  So I jump out expecting it to be waist high, and we all lost it when I landed taller than I was in the boat!  My mom and I end up walking the boat around the horn, into deeper water, with Kaylee and Virginia in the boat, and pull it up on the shore.  Mom reaches into her pocket cuz she feels something wet and heavy...  Her cell phone!  Completely shot.

The picnic continues with my dad making about a billion trips to the bathroom, losing his temper at the bottle of sunscreen and pissed that his hat keeps blowing away.  To cool off, he swims out, fully clothed, into the lake about chest deep and plays with the girls.  After I played music for a while and we built sand castles on the beach, Mom realizes it's time to bring the paddle boat back.  However... a big family of migrant workers has decided that since our boat was just resting out there, not being put to use, they would take it over and fall asleep in it!  So we had to go wake up the random strangers and get them out of our boat.  My mom's knees and Virginia's back were shot, so involuntarily the task to help me paddle back fell on Dad's shoulders.

Now I get stubborn.  I tell him to get in too early and fall in the sand trying to get him out into the water. We push off, steer perfectly around the horn and are doing great.  Except that he's uncomfortable in the front.  I have to be in back b/c I know how to steer, but b/c he's already grumpy, he throws a temper tantrum and crawls in the back determined not to have to sit up front.  We stop going anywhere.  So I move up front.  But now his seat back isn't working.  So I have to straddle the middle of the boat to counteract his movement (not agile movement, I might add..).  Now I move over to my spot, try to coach him through the mechanics of steering, and we start having it out!  He's pissed that I expected him to be able to figure it out; I'm pissed that he was acting like a baby.  From my perspective, it was reminscent of trying to ride a tandum bike uphill, with a sweat, grumpy gorilla bitching in the background.  AWFUL.  Loooooong story short, we apologize, take only our assigned jobs (I pedal, he steers), and somehow manage to return the boat, perfectly, into it's place. 

FIREWORKS
There weren't any fireworks showing at that particular park/lake, so we drove to a park closer to our house, park the car and watched in lawn chairs.  Little do we know the "Beverly Hillbillies" are about to park next to us in the grass parking lot.  "Jim Bob" (I didn't really know his name :), pulls in, hops on top of his rusty Bronco, blasting "I'm Proud to Be An American" (NO LIE!!)  and yells something at his baby-momma.  His friends show up to check out his sweet new ride, and, bragging, he says, "Yep!  In 37 payments, this baby's gonna be all mine!"   :O  wow...  They proceeded to bellow obscenities at police, their little girl who had obviously been exposed to MUCH more than she should have at that age, and any car that left early with their lights on.  They actually almost got into several fist fights with drivers.

After they finally calmed down, we were watching the fireworks, with Lilly in my mom's lap when she sees a great big green one (her favorite color) and says, "I want to HAVE it!" with her arms spread out wide like she's going to give it a hug. So adorable :)

About 30 seconds later, while we're still watching the bright flashes, we hear Kaylee toot in her seat.  My mom and I look over at her, shocked at how loud it was. My mom asks, "What was that?!"  Kaylee answers, "...firework?"   We were doubled over laughing so hard!

It was a wonderfully unforgettable Fourth of July.  And if you've miraculously made it this far in reading, I'm impressed!

Hope your Fourth was as memorable as mine was!  <3