Fourth of July Antics

THE LAKE

My parents decide we should go to the lake for the 4th.  We get there early, get the perfect spot : picnic table under a tree, right next to the play ground, and just far enough from the water to be safe.  There's a picnic, we're enjoying the sun in our swimsuits, and everything's going great.  My mom has the bright idea to go rent a paddle boat on the other side of the lake and paddle it back to our beach.  So we get there and they only have four-man paddles so we get one of those, leave the car there, and head across the lake.  The four "men" in the boat? Me (can't swim), my mom (bad knees), Virginia (just had back surgery), and Kaylee (... she's three)!  Kaylee's far too little; she's just along for the ride in her little life jacket.  Mom and Virginia quit about 3 minutes into it, only sporadically pedalling to help, and I get the joy of sweatily bellowing about their poor steering while I'm the only one pushing.  We get to the horn of the beach, and we literally STOP MOVING.  We were like, "What the hell?!"  Apparently Mom had steered too close and we got stuck in ankle deep water.  So I jump out expecting it to be waist high, and we all lost it when I landed taller than I was in the boat!  My mom and I end up walking the boat around the horn, into deeper water, with Kaylee and Virginia in the boat, and pull it up on the shore.  Mom reaches into her pocket cuz she feels something wet and heavy...  Her cell phone!  Completely shot.

The picnic continues with my dad making about a billion trips to the bathroom, losing his temper at the bottle of sunscreen and pissed that his hat keeps blowing away.  To cool off, he swims out, fully clothed, into the lake about chest deep and plays with the girls.  After I played music for a while and we built sand castles on the beach, Mom realizes it's time to bring the paddle boat back.  However... a big family of migrant workers has decided that since our boat was just resting out there, not being put to use, they would take it over and fall asleep in it!  So we had to go wake up the random strangers and get them out of our boat.  My mom's knees and Virginia's back were shot, so involuntarily the task to help me paddle back fell on Dad's shoulders.

Now I get stubborn.  I tell him to get in too early and fall in the sand trying to get him out into the water. We push off, steer perfectly around the horn and are doing great.  Except that he's uncomfortable in the front.  I have to be in back b/c I know how to steer, but b/c he's already grumpy, he throws a temper tantrum and crawls in the back determined not to have to sit up front.  We stop going anywhere.  So I move up front.  But now his seat back isn't working.  So I have to straddle the middle of the boat to counteract his movement (not agile movement, I might add..).  Now I move over to my spot, try to coach him through the mechanics of steering, and we start having it out!  He's pissed that I expected him to be able to figure it out; I'm pissed that he was acting like a baby.  From my perspective, it was reminscent of trying to ride a tandum bike uphill, with a sweat, grumpy gorilla bitching in the background.  AWFUL.  Loooooong story short, we apologize, take only our assigned jobs (I pedal, he steers), and somehow manage to return the boat, perfectly, into it's place. 

FIREWORKS
There weren't any fireworks showing at that particular park/lake, so we drove to a park closer to our house, park the car and watched in lawn chairs.  Little do we know the "Beverly Hillbillies" are about to park next to us in the grass parking lot.  "Jim Bob" (I didn't really know his name :), pulls in, hops on top of his rusty Bronco, blasting "I'm Proud to Be An American" (NO LIE!!)  and yells something at his baby-momma.  His friends show up to check out his sweet new ride, and, bragging, he says, "Yep!  In 37 payments, this baby's gonna be all mine!"   :O  wow...  They proceeded to bellow obscenities at police, their little girl who had obviously been exposed to MUCH more than she should have at that age, and any car that left early with their lights on.  They actually almost got into several fist fights with drivers.

After they finally calmed down, we were watching the fireworks, with Lilly in my mom's lap when she sees a great big green one (her favorite color) and says, "I want to HAVE it!" with her arms spread out wide like she's going to give it a hug. So adorable :)

About 30 seconds later, while we're still watching the bright flashes, we hear Kaylee toot in her seat.  My mom and I look over at her, shocked at how loud it was. My mom asks, "What was that?!"  Kaylee answers, "...firework?"   We were doubled over laughing so hard!

It was a wonderfully unforgettable Fourth of July.  And if you've miraculously made it this far in reading, I'm impressed!

Hope your Fourth was as memorable as mine was!  <3

Sucker Pride :D

LOL!!!  So I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this is going to think I'm hugely proud and arrogant, but I am having a great day!  I did have to give up my job that I love, which I'll miss, but it provides a way for absolutely everything to work out!!!  And THAT makes me grin like villain!  So remember a post from before where I was all "OMG, where is this foggy mountain path leading me?!"  Well!!  Here it is:

I'm going to go back to nannying for my two beautiful, adorable nieces, finish the summer happy with my family the way we all had planned it.  I'll have a car we couldn't have expected and freedom to do whatever I want.  I'm going to spend my weekends with my dad and enjoy the sun and all of Iowa, etc... And then when August rolls around, I'm going to kiss and hug everyone goodbye, pack my car Forrest with my stuff and head home to Utah where I'll be right between my hs friends in Magna, and my college friends in Logan!  I'm heading to Ogden to live my bestie Shanny and I get to help her plan her wedding and she's going to help me decorate my new room :D (She just doesn't know it yet! ;)  And I'm going to have a job and finish my credits and live life and be happy and it's going to be AMAZING!!!  <3 <3 <3  Ah~!  so...

I also heard this new song on Pandora (LOVE it!) called Warning Sign by Coldplay (here comes the pride :P) and I realized: You know what?!  I kick ASS.  I'm not some lameass bimbo or pathetic, whining ninny; I'm best friends with great people, can deal with just about any situation that comes my way, I'm always smiling and happy, and even though my 'conduct' isn't exactly 'worthy' I still handle myself with grace!  And when I heard this song... :D  I realized a certain someone is going to MOST DEFINITELY be feeling exactly the way this guy does in a little while (except for the "open arms" crap; cuz that ain't happ'nin')!

I also decided to come up with my own little 'fill-out' thingy just to share with anyone.  So here you go! :

Game of 5

Things I'm a sucker for :

Puppy dog brown eyes

Jaw lines

Soft tummies

Big hands

Great sense of humor

Things I appreciate :

Personality

Shyness

Silliness

Being playful

A belly laugh

Things I need :
Strength
Height (even if it's only 1/2" :)

Protectiveness

Honesty
Fun

Things I can't have :
Inconsiderate

Guarded

Harsh
Angry
Controlling

______________________________

Things I am :
Loving
Gentle
Honest

Playful

Goofy

Things I'm not (but am working on ;) :
Patient
Obedient
Humble
Outgoing
Angry

______________________

Crazy/Amazing Things I've done :

Free-fall from 160ft in the air in a harness

Flip off an SUV full of Poli gang-bangers
Chase someone away from keying my car while they were drunk and angry

Was the only person to see Kaylee's first steps

Things I'll do before I die :

Skydive

Run a marathon

See Greece and Italy

Learn another language fluently (and NOT Spanish)

Travel the world with the one I love whenever we want

Help?

This really cool girl I don't know very well is my facebook-friend.  She seems to know exactly how to say what I'm thinking in whatever she posts.  And as I was avoiding thinking any deeper about my issues (to avoid thought is to avoid being overwhelmed by the decisions I have to make), I saw this as her post:

I really like where I am right now, knowing that I'm that much closer to where I want to be-who I want to be.

I remember having days where I felt exactly like that; why can't I just have some sort of peace of mind so that I can understand exactly what I need to do?!?  When I asked her about it, she said

Honestly if a stranger were to look at my life and see where I've been and look at where I am, they'd think I'd lost my way but I feel more myself and more secure in who i am and the decisions I'm making then ever. I really feel like the co...nsequence of my decisions are now mine to deal with and I don't have to live up to what someone else wants of me because I know what I want for me, does that make any sense? Maybe i'm just nuts haha

Yes. That makes perfect sense.  I wish I had enough sense to think like that, but I can't seem to find any levelness or peacefulness to help me make my decisions.  And the real reason is that I'm just trying to make everybody happy.  I'm not deciding for myself 1: because I don't know what I really want/need and 2: it's easier to understand what they want than try figure out what I need.  I know what I want, but I can FEEL that this decision is going to change my WHOLE life, and the thing is I can't tell if one option is a temptation or the other, or if they're both mistakes and I just can't seem to see a 3rd heaven-sent option.  That's probably my problem: I'm kicking and screaming against the idea that I need HF/God right now.  It's mostly b/c I'm scared.  And probably too proud.  My hands start shaking evey time I even begin to think about it all.  It's going to affect more than just my life too.  Here's what I'm facing:

Option 1:  Stay here. Work at the tv station until I get fired or promoted (most likely promoted) and I could have some kind of corporate career without so much as a real degree to my name at 21. 

Option 2: Stay here, work through the summer, go to DMACC this fall for the last 3 credits for my degree.  Get a full/part-time job possibly working at an established graphic design firm (possible major) that is interested in hiring/interning me if I'm interested thanks to my mom's networking capabilities.  After I'm done @DMACC, I could go anywhere: Seattle <3, NY, doesn't matter; pick a school, get in, get my degree, do what I want, live my life however I want.  Sounds GREAT right??? Except that I miss my friends.  Which brings me to...

Option 3: Go back to Utah.  Live among the people I'm questioning, amidst the overwhelming majority of the faith I'm questioning, where I'll pretty much be on my own (a plus!), living with my best friend/favorite person in the whole world, but probably flaunting my wrecklessness in everyone's face (a minus).  But I'll be able to visit people in Logan, and finish my degree at USU, so I won't look like a complete fool on my transcripts, and I can go see my friends in SLC w/o having to LIVE in SLC.  I'll be able to go to class, have a job and feel like I have it all.  Also so GREAT right?!?!  Wrong.  B/c?  Here's why:

Biggest Con of them all:  Lisa, Johnny, Kaylee, Lilly, Rick, Lori, Rob, Ellie, new baby boy Prier, Alison, Andy, Jacky, Josie, Mark, Carmen, Richard, Hallie, Havyn, Jeff, Liz, Samson, Harper, Aunt Mary Carol, Uncle Jack, Aunt Carol and Uncle Roy are all here in Iowa, and they ALL want me to stay here and actually be a part of the family they've always been for me.  Every single one of them is waiting for the day when i finally realize Iowa is where I'm most loved and where I belong.  And I'll be able to help them most if I stay.  But will it help me most?

So. I'm literally standing here with ten people pulling on every appendage, each in a different direction, not knowing where I want to go and I'm running out of time.

Help?

Knowledge

Things I Know About Myself:
1.   I'm not witty or cool.
2.   I get scared really easily.
3.   Most of the time, I'm spacing out, thinking about other stuff even when I'm trying really hard to pay attention.
4.   I feel confident about my self worth when people are attacking me.
5.   I don't feel very confident when people aren't.
6.   I've only kissed one boy.
7.   Had my heart broken only once.
8.   Don't regret a second of it.
9.   I love my best friend Shannon and would pretty much follow her to the ends of the earth (though it would likely be the end of my relationship with my mother ;)
10. I feel immature.  Not like a 21 year old who should be getting married (like all my friends), but like I'm still 16 and pretending to be an adult.
11. I don't think my life is going to follow the normal paths laid out for most people.
12. I think by the time I'm old I will have lost touch with every single person I know right now.
13. My eyes are green, even though people always say they look brown.
14. I'm not interested in most men; I'd rather have them be my friends than have to worry about a relationship.
15. Every guy I'm interested in right now, I'm not REALLY interested in.
16. I complain a lot.
17. Most of the time I think my life is unfair.
18. I have it the easiest out of every single member of my family.
19. I miss having my own space and living with girls my own age.
20. I keep wondering if I should have gone on a mission, even though the idea is so utterly repulsive I purposely crossed a boundary just so I couldn't be forced into it.
21. I hate time. Time breaks your heart, makes you old, and takes away the things you love most.

The Loser... Or Not

    You know what I’ve come to realize?  Relationships affect every part of you.  They make you who you are.  I never knew that before.  Everything is a constant reminder, even yourself.  My eyes, my hair, my toes, my laugh, my voice; name it and there’ll be a meaning or a memory linked to it.  I made my relationship my whole world.  I stopped looking, stopped searching for things that I wanted, and only sought what would contribute to the ‘we’ I was in.  I thought of everything I had as something that could be made to care for ‘us’.  I spent my time living my life until I could see him again.  And it was such a mistake.  For starters, because I committed myself so fully to someone who I knew was never going to commit that way to me.  I felt if I could convince him, it would be worth it; a fight well worth fighting.  But it never is.  If there is ANY fight to convince someone to love you, walk away.  As hard and hellish as it is to cut it off when you’re just beginning to fight, think about how much it sucks when the severing point is infinitely closer to your heart. 

   

    The way my relationship ended was embarrassing.  Each time it ended, I was the ‘loser’.  First: I wasn’t ‘sparky’ enough.  Then:  it just wasn’t right, though everything was there (not the first time I’ve heard that one…).  And finally, I ended it.  I held the knife, marked the severing point, made the decision myself without thinking about the ‘we’.  And still, somehow, I felt like I’d lost.  And I think I finally figured out why.  I fought so hard to hold onto someone who had no desire to hold me in return, and I knew it the whole time.  I’d lied to myself from day one.  Initially I hadn’t wanted the relationship.  After the first date, I had decided that I didn’t want to go out with him again; not interested (something said ‘boy’ has no idea about!).  But everyone thought I was too quick to judge, and that I needed to give him another chance.  So I did.  I let the whole world convince me that I should be with him. But in the beginning I knew better.  It wasn’t until I saw the soul beneath the pretty blue eyes and shy demeanor that I decided for myself I wanted to stay.  But by then, the tables had turned and I was the one who was hooked.  I made mistake after mistake trying to find his flaws and ended up showing my own.  I don’t regret every moment.  But I do regret the first, after I said yes to the blind date and let my heart run away to someone who didn’t want it in the first place.

    Ok, deeeeeeeeeeep breath…. ah… :)  Better.  The point is, it’s all true but there’s so much more to it than all that.  I made mistakes, he made mistakes, and we made mistakes together.  We’ve both been altered.  The REAL defining moment is how you move on from here.  Until today, I’d been too embarrassed to show remorse for a relationship that I had ended and that had ended on SUCH a bad note.  But I am sad.  I do regret losing him.  He was my best friend, and has changed me more than any other person I know.  And even though I screwed up A LOT, it’s ok.  It’s not the end of the world, there’s more to life than the life we had, and we’re both going to get over it.  I’ve been to mortified by what happened and by my own actions to admit that until just now.

So.  In summation: don’t be an idiot when you fall for someone; make damn sure they’re as far in it as you are.  And….?  Never be afraid to fall in love, because no matter how much your heart breaks, you’ll always find something or someone else that makes you even happier.  <3

P.S.        Pearls of Knowledge Gained This Week:

1:  Never ( and I mean NEVER ) leave a child who’s potty-training alone in the bathroom for longer than is absolutely necessary.  Apparently the ‘innate’ aversion to touching/smearing poop isn’t so innate, and has to be taught.  (Thank you Kaylee, for that one :S)

2:  If you initially think someone might be a jerk/bitch, they probably are.

3:  Never talk bad about co-workers because it will inevitably come back and bite you in the ass (thankfully NOT personal experience.)

4:  Never scoff at someone else’s beliefs.  If you are hateful towards something or someone, it’s most likely because it scares the hell out of you, and your mind is too closed to see the value in it.

5:  If it’s unnecessary, don’t do it.  Only do what makes you happy and what will benefit your life, even if it’s a tough choice to make.

And…

6:  Sleep with the windows open as often as you can.  Hearing the sounds of life around you is a lot more peaceful than any electronic music contraption Bose will ever come up with.  <3

*sigh* (<--How do you type out the sound of a great big sigh?)

I'm having the hardest time right now. 

I'm excited to go home and spend time with my family, but I'm down that I won't be able to see my friends.  I'm ready to be out of school and away from here, but I'm sad that I might not come back.  I'm proud of FINALLY standing up for myself, but so HEARTBROKEN that it cost me my best friend.  I miss him, but I know nothing could fix it.  Not now, anyway.  I have so many important decisions to make, and I feel like I'm about to trip and fall.  I wonder how many others feel that way too? 

My whole life is sitting in my two suitcases and a storage unit across town--such a weird thought.  A really good friend helped me out today, and gave me news that I needed to hear.  I was emotionally more confused than ever, but angry enough to clear my head and see I made the right decision.  So many lessons to be learned.  I wish things were different, but stubborness keeps them from being so; on both sides. {:-[

I know that my life is ready for a change, and that that change is well on its way.  Part of me is ready for it, but a great big, disappointed part wishes things didn't have to change.  My last year here at school was amazing: incredible friends, supportive family, stable everything, gospel, great roommates; it was perfect.  But I hate change and try to avoid it when I can, so HF literally has to strip away everything and force me into the decision or I won't make it for myself.  So, here we go: let the stripping begin! (..wait-- that came out wrong :-? )  Anyway, here's where I'm standing at this moment:

Imagine you're riding in a reliable, beautiful car that fits almost perfectly, is nearly your dream car (though not quite), and has never let you down.  You're driving down a sunny meadow road with the windows rolled down, enjoying the warmth.  It looks like there's a fork up ahead, so you slow down.  As you get closer the car sputters more and more, and you realize the left fork is closed so you have to turn right. But, it's a scary mountain road and it doesn't look like your trusty car is going to be able to go on with you.  You decide to try it anyway; you don't want to leave the car behind.  As you start climbing, you beg the car to 'make it just a little further', and the tire blows.  You get out to fix the tire, but you have no spare.  You rest your hand on the hood, but the engine is overheated and it burns you.  You shout obscenities at the sky, kick the tire out of frustration and desperation, throw your hands in the air, and start trudging off, cursing the blasted car.  As you near the first bend, you stop to take one last look at the thing that brought you there.  You couldn't have gotten so far without it, and you know you're going to wish it was there to carry you when your feet can't take another step.  But just as you consider turning back to try one last time to fix your favorite helper, the brakes give out and it starts rolling away from you, fading from sight.  So.  You wipe away the tears, grit your teeth, add some moleskin to your hiking boots and head around the first bend.  You stop.  Jagged cliffs are on either side of your path.  There's nothing but thick bluish-gray fog in your view; you can't see anything except the next step in your path, barely an arm's length away.  You start forward and the sound of the gravel echoes off the cavernous walls; you're all alone on this one.  Take a deep breath, and.......

That's where I'm at.  Here goes nothing!  :]

p.s.  this one was really long; sorry!

Oh my...

Wow... where to begin?

I'm just going to spill it as things come to me... here goes :-z

So, I'm scared.  Terrified actually.  I want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction my heart seems to be leading me.  I feel Heavenly Father holding my hand and leading me away from everything I've always wanted.  It's a strange, terrifying yet comforting, completely unknown feeling.  I've always followed my parents wherever they led me.  If HF told my mom to move across the country, I'd start packing.  But now that He's talking directly to me, saying things like "Prepare yourself" and "I know you're scared, but it's for your own good", I'm digging my heels in just a little. 

Growth is the absolute most important thing in this life, besides love.  I thought I'd grown enough that the latter was well on its way, but it seems like I'm headed towards a path I never planned for.  There's still the small voice in the back of my mind saying, "You know, it could just be a test.  Like Abraham and the lamb?  There's still a chance you'll stay and that He just wants you to appreciate what you've got and work harder for what you want."  I honestly don't know what to think of that voice.  When it pipes up, I feel a sense of calm and peace, and security.  But then I remember, Noah really built the ark for a reason.  Yes, it was a test, and yes, he built it.  But yes, the floods did come, and Heavenly Father kept his word.  What am I going to do?  Those who have been members their whole lives say they felt like an investigator when they went to the MTC.  I've only been a member for 8 years, and was inactive for more than 6 of them.  I don't know anything close to as much as I need to in order to be well-informed and teaching.  What if I lead someone astray?  I've never been terribly atuned to the Spirit; I might say the wrong thing.  And yes, I've been told that doubt is the opposite of faith (by someone who overcame their fear and nervousness to become someone incredible), but I still doubt.  I've never, and will never, doubt the Lord.  But I heartily doubt myself.  I can't imagine being good enough to be a missionary.

Oh my goodness.  I want to cry just thinking about all the things I'll miss.  I would love to travel, and spend 18 months doing God's work.  But everyone dear to me will be married, having children, moving on with their lives, and I'm going to miss every part of it.  All my friends are finally coming home, and now I'm going to leave?  My best friend who's helped me through the biggest struggles in my life is getting married, and I desperately want to be there for her, and to share in her special day, but if I go, I'll  be letting her down and walking away from her love and generosity.  So many run-on sentences.... so many emotions, they can't be contained in grammar (ugh.. I've been far too involved in my English courses)  What if Kaylee and Lilly won't remember me?  I'll miss Kaylee's first day of school, and maybe Lilly's.  What about the amazing moments when they grow up from toddler to big-kid?  Even though I'm two or three states away, I'm still only a phone call or text message away.  If I leave, I can't talk to them except for two or three times over the phone, and an email once a week. 

Can I just say:  I have NO idea how you men ("guys" when you left) were able to walk away from the life you've known your whole lives for two years.  Because I have no idea if I'll be able to. 

Aside from the fear, I feel like I'll never be good enough if I don't go.  If I stay here, how will I progress?  If I go, I'll become the woman HF sees me becoming, and I'll be infinitely happier.  "Patient and obedient" is what the P. Blessing calls for: my two deepest struggles.  If only I had hindsight, or a guarantee that everything would be ok.... Oh, yeah. I already have the guarantee: Matthew 16:25

"For whoseover will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."

Time to be brave, and obedient, I guess, and patiently wait for the Lord's timing in my 'happily ever after'.  Think they'll notice my knees knocking in the big clunky shoes and little black nametag?

P.S.  I still haven't decided on whether I'm going or not, so there!  :]